DrSteveArbroath Scotland215 days till my birthday.
Built To Survive
I`m 32, currently working as Tattoo artist in Metalurgey Tattoo Dundee, in the passed ive had various boring jobs including managing a pub for 5 years..spent last 2 years having treatment and ops for cancer..recovering now and trying to enjoy and experience as much of life as i can.. feel free to get in touch. just started page.gimme some time to fill it up.
Msn Therapy07@hotmail.co.uk
2009/07/26 23:26 Next sexy nurse.. Steve Byrne.. In Name and Blood.
hot nurse
2009/07/20 22:46 Getting my hot nurse tattoo tomo at red hot and blue...excited..1st of many..
Anniversary
2009/07/18 14:26 Today is the 1st and 2nd anniversary of both my ops..another year still alive..:)
Diary of Cancer.
2009/07/12 21:07
My Diary of having cancer...work in progress..
.....Dec 4 .. Go to the Doctors to get check up....Dr finds something and explains to me what it may be..one of the possibilities being cancer...he refers me to the surgeon at Arbroath hospital..I go home shitting myself...
"the sky is overcast, winter steals the light so fast"
.....Dec 18..Appointment at hospital thinking surgeon will say ah its nothing...examination over and refered to another specialist for more tests...again go home worried and wait for more appointments....
"soldiers with nothing to kill but time"
....Jan 18..Stracathro for CT scan..drink one litre of not bad tasting stuff to help show up on scan..wear stupid hospital gown keeping shoes on and walk past waiting room looking like a gonk! get a cool valve needle put in my arm..some dye injected that shows up in the x-rays..nurse says it will make me feel like ive wet myself..it didnt..is a cool feeling like your blood is heating up...nurse was very nice about me having to go through this so young and that its best to find out what it is and start getting better...I`d still rather not know what it is and pretend its nothing...go home and wait...
...Jan 31..Go into Dr`s reception to give new number..my scan results are in..I was avoiding that..go in the afternoon to see the Doc...thinking again ofcourse he will say its nothing heres a few pills..didnt quite go that way..scan shows a large tumor on my bowel..Shit!! head down staring at the floor..Dr keeps talking..looks likely its cancer..surgery..chemo..radiotherapy..getting sick..hair falling out..im not listening and I dont want to..im thinking shut the f**k up!!I used to get told at work when you give people bad news you give themthe shit sandwich..something good thats the bread.the shit in the middle then something good..my Doc took my bread and gave me some extra shit!arranged some more tests..leave the Dr`s gutted..music on straight away..walk through high street trying not to cry..go home lie on couch..cant stay in..go for a walk ..walk for hours..dont sleep....
"god give me strength, god make me well,god take me somewhere,anywhere but here"
....Feb 6..Stracathro for Endoscopy..(fibre optic camera thing)..night before drink 6 pints of the most horrible tasting stuff in the world..6 PINTS!!!..is the worst thing I have ever had to do..tried everything to make it taste better but not allowed to eat or drink anything else..nearly sick with every mouth full and 6 pints to go!!!!..In waiting..not nervous..meet my surgeon for first time..cool guy was nice to me ..very positive about what he could do for me..reassuring that he knew what he was talking about..another needle in my arm some sedatives injected in..they didnt work...go in scary room..surprisingly lot of people in there to watch this camera go up my arse..and a big screen too..tickets must have been cheap..camera is tiny not worried about that..get filled up with gas to open up your bowel etc..that wasnt so good..you soon learn when a Dr says it will be uncomfortable he means bloody sore...I could feel camera up in my stomach area didnt know it was going so far..weird but cool..wasnt gone look at screen though...few bits of tumor taken and was over..Dr says might have to do it again sometime to check rest of bowel...I said that mean drinking more of the fucking stuff? blaming the sedatives for the swearing...yip he said..oh fuck!!! Doc doesnt tellme what he found says drugs will make me forget..they didnt..wish they did...go home feeling a bit better as surgeon was quite positive...
"so scared of dying I`ve forgotten how to live"
...Feb13..Ninewells..meeting with my surgeon and specialist nurse to discuss treatment plan...nervous about what I`m going to hear..first of all results from Endoscopy..tumor on my bowel which has now also spread to my liver..head down again..another shock..keep waiting for the ah but the good news is...but it aint happened yet...we discuss what that means how do I feel about it etc I dont know what to say to them Im still thinking Im fine...next stop the cancer ward..talk to the guy that decides which drugs I take..he explains all the side effects ..more bad news.. having the chemo and radiotherapy is gona leave me sterile..no kids..didnt know that! another shock..will start treatment soon as possible..not waht I wanted to hear...leave ninewells gutted again....
"everything dies baby thats a fact,but maybe everything that dies someday comes back"
Diary part 2...Too tough for chemo?...
...Feb 15..Ninewells assisted birth unit..more blood tests..arms starting to look like Im a heroin addict..fill in endless forms...get a small jar and sent to a small room..again past the waiting room where everyone knows why your going in that room...close the door..and at last the ah but the good news is moment comes..porn on the NHS.. four magazines to read...best hospital visit yet...not going into the details of what happens next..but they freeze it and keep it until im 55..I can even get people pregnant when I`m dead..pretty cool...
....Feb 18..Same as above ..four new magazines though...thats where the NHS budget goes!!!!
"I never wanted this to be,I never asked for this disease"
....Feb 21.. Ninewells..here goes..starting chemo..2 days in hospital..gotmy lap top 20 dvds...music...sweets..books..magazines
..had to buy pj`s, slippers..SLIPPERS!! what the f**k..get there 9am shitting myself!!not a clue what to expect...waiting room..just me..then others start to come in all look anxious and quiet...and all at least 30years older than me...nobody talks..just look at floor or the walls
...nurse comes in says my name...stomach is in a knot...go through to my bed...in a small ward just 6 beds..3 each side..nurse puts me in the middle..I dont like it..I negotiate for the window bed in the corner easier to hide I think...3 old guys in there allready they all look pretty ill..was horrible..like seeing ghost of whats to come..scary!! i just lookout the window..old guy is being sick..dont know if you can switch your hearing off but I was trying...waiting on Dr to check me out before chemo can start...nurse goes over what will happen..then I meet my main Dr ..or Professor guy..he was cool kinda Hugh Fernely Whittingstol looking guy..we spoke about art mostly..he new what he was talking about that was good..about my treatment and ops not the art..felt better after that..
.then I got checked out and I was ready to plug in...first nurse had 3 goes at getting needle in my arm..then second nurse made sure it went in..ouch!! and that was that my first drip went upand I was getting chemo!!fuck me I must be ill...and still Im like waht the fuck am I doing here..first hour Im just waiting ..when willI feel sick?when will it be sore? and it didnt happen..hours go by still ok ..diferent drips go up but still feel good..room fills up..still nobody talks..all old guys in old pjs reading books..coughing..groaning...being sick..but no talking..
get laptop out watch some music dvds drown out the sounds..keep jeans etc on feels more like home.. plugged into drip machine for 48hours..has wheels though so I go for a walk..check my phone etc..other rooms are worse than mine..loads of ill people..scary!! I hate it in the hospital!! I admit it scares the shit out of me..and you dont get used to it at all..first day goes by..night time I spend in the tv room alone..watching CSI its just like home..not..lights go out at 10:30..I stay in tv room until 12..go through to bed..watch peter kay dvd..then try to sleep..TRY!! 2 old guys competitive snoaring..machines beeping..everytime you move in bed it makes a noise..like sleeping in a packet of crisps..what the sheets are made of I dont know..mp3 player goes on..lie in bed all night..nurse shining torch at me every so often..think I slept for about 10mins in total..up at 6 as nurses start coming in..still feel good though..breakfast at 8 and the day starts over again...
...Feb 22..At last guy accross talks..just crap about the food but its good try break the ice...must be like prison..you dont ask what they are in for..I reckon I must be top dog of ward 32 bay 3 there all old I could take them easy...day goes slow not much to do...soon 3 of the guys are gone ..away home..great! less people less noise..I liked it.still no reaction to the drugs was starting to cheer up..was getting visitors at night too.
.is weird when people come in..you feel like you have to be all cheery..normal..happy..people must think whats he been moaning about looks like a piece of piss this cancer business..its not..its always in your head..never goes away..allready I feel invisible..the cancer has taken over..every txt..call or person that talks to me..how you feeling?..hows hospital?..what happens next? never what you up to? you going out this week? all about the cancer..but I understand why..people care and people want to show they care...I just like a break from it.to think about something else...when people ask its just 2mins then they can think about whats for tea...Im left thinking about what I just told them..by now its a well rehearsed well worn speach listing my treatment and operations to come...that maybe sounds ungreatful but Im not Im glad people care..is funny the people that help most..and some of the people you think will care most just dont..that sucks..you know who you are!! gonks!
"your not gona get me through this are you"
"you have things to do,so what else is new"
....Feb 23..Going home today..sitting watching the machine run down..time has never went so slow...Im racing the guy accross he is called Stephen..Im beating himby about 15mins..yes!! Competetive to the end ...I get unplugged needle out and Im dressed and out of there in no time...fresh air!!well get passed all the twats smoking at the door then fresh air...bus home..straight tobed..catch up on sleep..dont wake up until next morning...surprisingly I feel good..well physicaly I feel good..the mental side is way harder than the physical..pain from needles etc goes away I could take that all day long..the depression and nightmares..and the long walks just thinking about what is going to happen really sucks!! I still find it hard to say the word cancer when Im telling somebody that doesnt know... dont think I will ever get used to it....
" i fear this wreckless life may have consequenses, but Id rather feel something Id rather take my chances"
Two weeks go by and I feel good..no side effects at all...Doc seems disapointed that I havent had any...only the mad Professor seems to think its a good thing..but I feel more positive..was expecting to be ill in bed like you see on the tv..again I feel like Im cheating people almost..should it be this easy?he looks ok to me..and I dont want to tempt fate either next chemo might not be so easy...
" is this a cure or is this a disease, you gave me life now show me how to live"
...March 7..Ninewells 9am...second chemo...hoping for an early start...get out early...not gona happen...mix up with appointments have to wait and go to radiotherapy to plan for my next step of treatment...some jobsworth porter guy comes to take me to radiotherapy with wheelchair..I`ll jus walk.."oh no if you could walk they wouldnt send me" twat...in the chair I go..he`s on his walky talky thinks he`s in the SAS confirming he has the right target..over and out etc..what a tit..and the bossman at the other end tells him no he`s got the wrong man!back I go and out the chair...this time 3 young girls come to get me..this is better and I get to walk...we talk politely as we go then we get to room and its ok steve drop your jeans and your boxers and get on the bed...fast workers eh..thats Dundee girls for ya...anyway next thing they are drawing on my arse with felt pens...Im not sure its part of the treatment you know...
New tattoos done Im back to ward and the chemo begins..got window bed Im happy..stephen is in again with me..we get nurses to speed up our machines..cuts 6 hours off your sentence..yes!!! day goes quick talking with steve ..listening to music ..watching dvds..more ill guys in this time though..one very old guy with tube in his nose..he cant eat and keeps being sick..I dont like it...night time comes..watch tv then bed...again the snoaring competition starts..and the machines beep...mp3 player on and try to sleep..get some sleep about 4am..then wokenup by some guy in next room screaming!!not good...have to put music on again ..goes on for about half an hour ..dont sleep again up at 6...
...March 8..New guy comes in today...anoying!!..wont shut up..wont let you talk without joining in..all he talks about is how much he drinks..super strenght lager at 5:30am...guiness all day..but he doesnt touch the spirits so its ok??..I havent drank for nearly a year..never smoked..went to gym nearly everyday last year..dont eat crap..and here I am..this guy should be here..he`s put himself here..why am I here? why is Steve here? hospital is full of nice people..wheres the junkies and arseholes? thats how you know there is no god!! Anyway that guy anoys me...
But..once again an ah the good news is moment!! a student Dr comes to do some research in our ward..and she is gorgeous!!!! cheered up all day..as she goes round talking to all the guys...I dont even know what I said to her ...was just looking at her eyes..very nice eyes...I know some people I know reading thid will think typical...but hey..there aint much to do in hospital gimme a break!!
Appart from the ill guys this visit is good..time goes quick...speak to Professor about my treatment..is weird this guy Ive met twice is in charge of my life at the moment..but I trust him which is good...arrange for another CT scan to see if I can have op on my liver before going on to radiotherapy...another sleepless night ..up at 6.. but dont care..machine speeded up I will be out by 10am..beat steve by 15mins again..yes!!! and Im gone...
bus home catch up on sleep...next day feel good ...gym everday.. eating good ..to tough for chemo...all sounds good...but its been hard...still depressed..still doing the long walks..staying upat night thinking...and you would think something so big would take away all your other problems...it doesnt..and sometimes they catch up with you all at once..Friday 16th that happened...and thankfully I have some friends that stopped me doing something I otherwise would easily have done...I was at the point where you dont see a future..nothing ahead of you..your mind is completely clear..scary but its a good feeling..no appointments to think of..no worries..no people..just totaly clear..like your on a cliff and infront of you is nothing but dark..total black..and all you have to do is walk forward..how tempting it is...
"and I walk through darkness"
..March20..And here we are today.....
...Part 3...Stuck at Stracathro...the trilogy...
This is a trilogy now...my next entry I will have to do a prequel just to keep it fashionable...life before cancer? maybe not...
" ive got a trigger inside i get the feeling ive been cheated"
..March 21... CT scan appointment at Stracathro..2pm..dont want to wake up today..get up too late to have something to eat as cant eat before scan...bugger! getting too skinny allready and I hate it, dropped 2 jeans sizes..with no special K!! actually lets see that tit Jade Goody or Kerry Katona on the front of heat magazine promoting the cancer diet...lose 1.5 stone in 2 months!!the bloody magazines are all over the hospital..anyway..get ready and go get the bus..
....On the bus 5 mins and I notice..the bus is reeking of pish!!! theres only me and 4 old people...4 suspects...the favourite has to be the old scruffy guy..duffle coat..wooly hat..and the O.A.P`sversion of Louis Vuitton..the trusty farm foods carrier bag...they all have them...whats in it? I have my theory..maybe bits of his wife? and old pet? or I like to think someold style glass lucozade bottles filled with stuff old people think is usefull...like turps or milk...but I reckon this guy has old jars of pish..the bus heating is kicking in and its now a warm smell of pish! the old lady behind him has moved seats ...yip its him!!
"give me some air to breath, give me a reason to live,close your eyes and see what you have inside"
Get to Stracathro and some fresh air...straight into waiting room..I know the way now...into my hospital gown same routine keep your shoes on look stupid...nurse brings in my litre of stuff to drink and gives me in trouble for drinking lucozade!! if I dont empty the bottle where will I store my turps?..guy next to me starts up a conversation..here we are both in spammy gowns, drinking our stuff...and it happens..the one thing I moan about old people and especialy women doing..Im becoming competative about my illness!!! no way!..this stuff tastes bad he says...well you want to try the 6 pints of kleen prep before a colonoscopy!! this stuff tastes good..how many scans you had just the one? I`ve had 3.. get that up ya!! oh youve had a heart attack..I`m getting chemo and radiotherapy...whos the man??..Im not doing that anymore....we talk for a while and he`s obviously obsessed with people driving 4x4`s when they dont need them..I prefered the illness contest....
" now the dream has gone and your friends just tell you lies,then you realise your gona die anyway"
Nurse comes..ok Steve lets go...ontothe bed of the scan machine..too tall hang feet over the bottom..get hooked up with another needle a few pin cushion jokes from the nurse..I laugh..they have such polite terms for everything...have you had rectal watering before?...RECTAL WATERING!! sounds like it could be a hobby and Im sure there is web pages devoted to the subject..a magazine maybe Rectal Watering monthly...its a fair bit of water injected up your arse..thats what it is...and they ask if you want more!! nope thats fine for me thank you Im trying to cut down...do you want more..you mental...it comes out again later.....
"dont belong in this world or the next one, wasting everyday to my own end, feeling akward feeling clumsy hating everything ive ever done before"
Scan starts..hold your breath..breath normal..hold your breath..breath normal...ok the dye is going in now...Yes!! this stuff feels ace...even better than last time..feels like all my blood is heating up..even my heart..been a while since I had a warm heart...is like Im glowing...this stuff is obviously a liquid form of ready brek!!...breath normal..and its done...
Go to toilet and ...well..reverse rectal watering...sorry but have to keep it real...sound a bit Ali G saying that dont like it..but Im not deleting cant be arsed...wait for nurse to take my needle out..and yip miss the bus!!! bugger! go check the times...no bus for another hour and a half...and it goes to Montrose!! wait in (tea room) (snackshop) they call it...doesnt even have Mars bars..have to get a Twirl..not happy...coffee is rank...go to waiting room..tea room is depressing...watch cartoons..time for bus..get to Montrose ..wait again..then get home..into Morrisons get some milk and head home...
"ive got nothing to do but hang around and get screwed up on you"
Wait now for results of the scan..hope Richard Ashcroft is wrong and the drugs do work!...maybe find out Friday when I go to Ninewells..hope steve is there my chemo buddy..he was expecting me today ..probably bored...go see him Friday if he isnt out early..
" then you leave me like the others,leave me too much time..on my own..Im on my own"
Part 4..Giant pills....
"is a dream a lie if it dont come true or is it something worse"
..March 23...These little in/out visits to hospital are no more than a small distraction from my denial of beeing ill...no sleep last night..worried about my scan results..will be getting op on my liver next week?...still dont even know exactly where my liver is..my ignorance of my own disease is quite embarassing...but I choose to be ignorant its not through stupididty..honestly...
...bus to ninewells..jesus...said enough about buses last time..but its surely a myth that ninewells is in Dundee?? you could get to Glasgow in that time..went up early to visit steve..my neighbour in the chemo unit..he was just getting away as I got there..was some other nice guys in with him so was ok...
"dont know whats worse,the loss of death or the pain of birth I try tounderstand i cant accept just what i am "
..went to speak to Jackie a specialist nurse that I talk to..sort out some problems and go over some forms for grants etc..very helpfull...discuss my chances of completing the 10k run I just signed up for in Edinburgh...I think I will make it easy!...is for charity..will be good..
...next stop radiotherapy...not been here before..cold looking room..big machine..looks old fashioned..the usual embarassment of dropping your jeans in front of 3 nurses...up on the table..cold metal ..not comfy...lie face down with head down on hands..cant see whats going on...and I can honestly say this is a first..a guy pulling down my boxers!!!...then shifting me around by my arse!!and saying ..dont try to move let me do all the work...what?...get in trouble because the felt pen and stickers from last time have all moved or fell off...start again...is worrying when everyones leaves the room when machine comes on...just me face down with big machine moving round making weird noises and I cant see...then it breaks..can hear them hitting bits and trying to get it working...then say to me this is last pictures so it takes bit longer...yeah yeah..you broke it...
"reveal yourself tome,like cheap pornography"
..xrays over Im all lined up...nurse comes out and tattoo`s me!! 3 black dots one each hip and one in middle of my back.asked for crosses..got dots...bores...then that was me..then a handy hint from nurse as I struggle to pull up my shorts face down on bed ...not easy...keep everything facing south when you get treatment so nothing else gets treated by accident!!! what? shrink the tumor fair enough..dont shrink my knackers!!!...which reminds of another side effect I left out before...recoil ejaculation?? think about that one!! it goes backward!!....
" masturbation saved my life I was nervous as a child"
...radiotherapy over....timetable..monday-friday everyday for 5 weeks!!bummer...go to chemo..more blood tests..meet with Prof Munro..the man with the plan..the moment Im not waiting for...scan looks good..chemo is working well...waiting on the but...and it doesnt come..lets just go ahead with the radiotherapy and chemo...YES!! no op this week....happy with that...and off he goes again....another Doc comes in ..explain about my new chemo..pills...one large one and a small one...large??its huge...like a peanut M&M...have to take 3 twice a day!! cant wait for that....more good news...not many side effects..doesnt make your hair fall out...definately happy....and no buts today...a good visit at last...
" it struck me kinda funny,seemed kinda funny suddenly, still at the end of every hard day people find some reason to believe"
...and just as I thought nothing funny would happen today...waiting on bus..this old guy goes past..pure white hair..except for this very yellow blonde..Hitler style parting wig..hovering about half an inch above his real hair?? how can he think hes fooling anyone??what a nutter....
Radiotherapy...1 down 25 to go...
..March 29...Had first Radiotherapy yesterday..in the proper r/t room...much more like it..flashing lights strange noises..just like the transporter room on star trek..(i dont watch star trek) ...usual routine..trousers off..lie on the big metal plank/bed...some nurses with unaturaly cold hands pull my boxers down..after leading such a sheltered life its rediculous how many people have seen me naked from the waste down..the nurses then start moving me round on the bed by my arse...trying to line up the lasers with my tattoos..lined up ..stay still..three zaps with the machine and thats it...
...today though was a diferent story...go to r/t unit..trousers off on the bed..two more nurses with cold hands to push my arse about...but today they arent happy the tattoos dont line up...off the bed trousers on..back up to the other radiotherapy room..trousers off...three more nurses and a student nurse to see me naked...have to get more tattoos in the right position...so now I have 3 sets of black dots...trousers on...back downstairs...trousers off ..on the bed..lined up and 3 zaps with the machine..done...
Two down 23 trips to go...cant wait..got all my new pills..started taking them last night..allready missed a course...didnt wake up early enough...oops..dont tell the Dr...feel ok so far..will see how it goes for a few weeks..no jokes today not in the mood..and nothing funny happened..was quite happy last week after getting results back..back to reality now..hospital everyday for 5 weeks...8 giant tablets a day..sucks..wake up go to hospital..then come home..and so it goes on...
Full-time sick.....
"whos in charge of my head today?"
…March 31..This week has been a big reality check..and I really don't like it..having my chemo in hospital for two days then having ten days off to pretend I'm ok was far better..a few visits to the Docs and a few blood tests..appart from that I could try and get on with things and try not to think about being ill…not now.. Now every day is scheduled around being ill..I have to wake up early enough to force myself to eat breakfast so I can take my tablets.. Then get showered and ready to get the bus up to Ninewells for my radiotherapy..hang about waiting on bus home.. By then its time to eat again so I can take my next lot of tablets..and so it goes everyday…being ill is now an inescapable full time job..and I hate it.. I know I shouldn't moan and that I'm lucky if you can use the word lucky..Im doing quite well and there are people worse off..but its hard to look at it that way all the time..
"my c.v reads along list of mistakes and regrets, bad decisions, aftermaths and unmade beds"
…sitting on the bus everyday I've been trying to think how all this happens..I broke a mirror about three years ago..could it be that..since then I split up with my girlfriend..got sacked from my job..got ran over while on the pavement..applied for numerous new jobs getting only one interview but not getting the job..my girlfriend got pregnant but had a misscarriage..still the worst day of my life..split up with girlfriend..and then get diagnosed with cancer..all the while people saying stuff like..it will work out..it will get better..things will come good..the kind of crap txt messages that come pre-programmed into your phone..they don't really mean anything and they certainly didn't come true..just more well meaning words with no actions…
"all you optimists can kiss my ass, for the future is relentlessly bleak nature has the last laugh"
…so could it be God that decides?..well I don't believe in god..and to me it's a pointless argument..the key word is believe! Why do you have to believe in god if he's real?..its like you believe in santa..you believe in the tooth fairy..you believe in lepricons..you don't have to believe in a car its real..or a house its real!!..anyway I know it isn't god…could it be karma?..I don't think it can be..I don't think I've done anything bad enough to deserve this..there are people out there..alcoholic,drug taking,beating up their girlfriends..and they walk around without a care in the world..infact they walk around without a care in the world shagging my ex..eh Jen?..so It cant be that…so it is just pure chance..pure luck..which to a control freak is totally shit..I cant do anything about luck and that sucks…other people that I don't even know are now in charge of my life…
"its my world you cant have it"
…finding out you have something like cancer is a real eye opener..to think maybe all your good times are behind you..not knowing what state you will be in when its all over..will it ever be all over?..very scary..I want to go out as much as possible..meet somebody new just in case I cant again..im very self conscious now how will I be with scars or worse.. It makes you think about everything you have done with your life..mistakes seem a hundred times worse..regrets far harder to take..and all the stuff you kept putting off for another day..no other days left..I think for some people this would be easy..I know people that can just leave stuff behind move on like it never happened..I wish I could do that..I seem to carry everything with me..and cant let go…everything from my past going round and round in my head..when I close my eyes at night to try and sleep..its like one of those early projector machines..just lots of still pictures spinning round to look like the image is moving..like a flick book you made at school..all the stuff and people from my past going round and round..and my brain picking some out for me to think about stopping me from sleeping..I hate that..I used to get drunk so I could sleep..but that wasn't a good idea either..anyway its April fools day tomorrow maybe it will all just be a big joke…
"I`d walk a thousand miles just to shed this skin"
Half way through..or half way to go..??.
" all you optimists can kiss my ass for the future is relentlessly bleak nature has the last laugh"
April 28.... I`ve not wrote much in here lately as its all been the same everyday while im having radiotherapy..horrible bus journey for hour fifteen minutes...get zapped with x-rays then home...day over...i think i could write a blog just about the bus...i hate that fucking bus...and when this is finished im never getting on the 73a ever again!!!...ok just a little bit about the bus...i cant resist..why do bus drivers not wait until old people sit down before taking off...they dont speed up or slow down...its foot down or stop..sending all these 90 year olds bus surfing...I`m not saying it isnt amusing to watch but its a bit harsh...Ive seen 4 old people hit the deck on the bus in 5 weeks...dont get on the 73a!! it sucks!!....
...Not much new has happened so I thought i would go over whats happened allready...last week was kind of my half way mark..made me think about all that ive had and all thats to come...some people think being half way through is good..im not so sure..means the operations are getting closer and thats the only thing that frightens me at the moment...i spoke to somebody the other day their mum had cancer and her Dr had said to her dont speak about the cancer or you give it strength....i can see the meaning in that in some ways...kinda the way some people treat me at the moment...if you dont think about it maybe it will go away...I dont know if I ignore my illness but I certainly dont see myself as being sick..i feel good...i`ve seen the movies when people get zapped with radiation they turn into super hero`s..spiderman etc....I`m going by that theory...so any ideas for a super hero name pass them on...
"theres a warning sign in the road ahead, thers alot of people saying wed be better off dead, dont feel like satan but i am to them so I try to forget it anyway i can"
.....So having only been to hospital 2 times in my life before..once for a broken arm at 11...the next at 19 for a scan for testicular cancer..now I have racked a few visits this year...by the end of this month I will have had...:-
....45 Hospital/Dr appointments....
....Of which...25 visits for radiotherapy...
....2 chemo infusions...48 hour stay in hospital...
....2 C.T scans...
....1 endoscopy...thank f**k only 1
....3 vists to the assisted birth unit...
....various meetings with surgeon, specialist, consultant, Dr, blood tests, radiotherapy simulator, pharmacist etc....
...Needles...it wouldnt to be scared of needles if you have cancer...I think ive had over 15 blood tests...2 of the vavles for my chemo drip..with 3 goes each at getting the needle in..2..valves for CT scan..1 for endoscopy valve...and 6 for the radiotherapy tattoos...politely more pricks than a pin cushion..but slightly less pricks than an aveage 28 year old brunette in Arbroath...Along with that the various pills..usually 10 a day....
"its the needle and the damage done, a little part of it in everyone"
...But for all this I still dont think of myself as being ill, I`m feeling ok, I feel lucky to be doing so well, I see people far worse off everyday...I have no reactions to my drugs..and no pain from my cancer...I am still going to the gym, I still run every night...still training for 10k run next week...is on Ch5 at midnight May 6th so watch it!!!.....for all this I feel lucky...I dont think many people see having cancer as being lucky..and say I m being brave etc..if I was going through all the side effects and not able to live my life as I do then I think I would be way diferent...feeling sorry for myself not leaving the house and being very depressed...I went through all that in the first few months..just stayed at home lyingon the couch..not eating..not speaking to anyone..going for long walks with my music on thinking the worst...was hard at christmas...I knew at christmas what I had...but I didnt tell anyone..said i was still waiting on more results etc..which wasnt totaly untrue...didnt want everyone to be thinking about over christmas..was bad enough I had too...
..So really I dont have too much to say at this point..sorry if you came to read this and was nothing exciting for you...will try more in my next blog...this is a lazy effort because im bored. etc...as for the future....radiotherapy finishes on wednesday next week..drugs finish on the friday..10k race is on the sunday...then I plan to get drunk for the first time in a year...shouldnt take much...so if you see me at Devitos that night hammered...with my medal on..dont laugh its not my fault...its the drugs...:-)...back in for chemo on may14th...then may28th.....
"time can change me, but i cant change time"
...oh and if you do read my blogs please leave a comment even if its just hi...over 400 have read them and i dont know who...you dont have to be soppy and say anything nice...hi will do.....thanks for you time...
"i see a girl in the night with a baby in her hand,under an old street light near a garbage can,now she puts the kid away and shes gone to get a hit,she hates her life and what shes done to it, theres one more kid that will never go to school never get to fall in love never get to be cool, keep on rocking in the free world!!!"
The Drink..The Drugs..The Women..The 10k...
May 6th.. Race day...On Sunday May the 6th my friends and I that is Baz, Grant and Goska..(i get moaned at for not using names)..had enterd the Great Edinburgh Bupa run, we ran for Cancer Research UK...
...my preperation for the race wasnt going well...was my last day of radiotherapy on the Wednesday and was finishing a course of chemo on the friday..coming to the end of these means the side effects are a litlte more acute...thats a nice word for worse...the chemo drugs make sensitive area even more sensitive...this caused me to have large blisters on the soles of my feet and on all my toes...so i couldnt train for that week...was also taking some antibiotics for an infection in my mouth..another nice side effect of chemo...these wernt mixing too well with my other drugs and making my stomach a bit dodgy...but i finished these on the Friday..and Satuarday night i went out for a "couple" of drinks...first in a long time..this turned into a few more drinks..ending up drunk at Devitos until 2am..then went to Grants to watch the boxing..have some pizza...got home about 5am...woke up at 6.30am..to travel to Edinburgh for the race...first hangover in over a year..first real drink in a year..
....So got up made an arse of ironing the tranfer letters of my name onto my t-shirt,drank some lucozade..bandaged up my feet with padded plasters and taped them on...felt like shit all the way there in the car...didnt think id be able to run..thought i might be sick...had some galaxy and some more lucozade...breakfast of champions...felt bi better after the fresh air and walk to the track..skipped the warm up..did a few half arsed stretches...while we were waiting over heard this guy..(maybe about 20 stone..hugebeer gut etc)..in all seriousness turn to his mate and say,,"to be honest with you I`ve not done alot of training for this"...that was funny...now we just had to beat him and we were doing well....
.....soon we were off...running round the streets of Edinburgh...was feeling pretty good..feet were holding up..hangover was being sweated out..view of girls infront in tight shorts was fairly motivating...dont know if you have been around Edinburgh..fuck me there are some hills....about 3km in it was sunny and getting hot..decided to take off the sweatshirt I had under my tshirt...which meant briefly being topless..got heckled from some girls at their flat window...that was cool...was still feeling pretty good at this point...which was surprising...waskinda taking it easy though..hadnt ran this far before...few more hills,some nice scenery,more girls in tight shorts...and we were at 8km...Baz was getting tired so at this point I left him to walk a little...I wanted to keep running and finish...was important to me to prove that I could..so with 2 km to go i speeded up a little and headed for the finish..with about 1km to go i felt my blister on my left foot burst....was pretty sore!!....but took my mind off feeling a little knackered..soon was just 400m to go and the finish line..I was feeling a bit emotional now..rocky music playing in my head etc..all the Drs saying I shouldnt and couldnt do this run...so prob for first time ever I was actually proud of something I had done..we had raised money for charity..but I was happier for myself..that I manged to do it...
.....after the race keeping up our athletic lifestyle we went to pizza hut and had a feast for four...was pretty good....now thats how us Scottish athletes do it..pished and pizza night before...1hrs sleep...oh i ran the race in 60mins flat forgot that bit...then pizza straight after.....diet of champions.....hopefully we will do a few more races to come...London marathon next year....
...we raised over £400 this time for Cancer Research uk....thanks to everyone that sponsored us....we`ll be back soon for more of your cash....
Hardest days ahead....
Hardest days ahead….
"how does it feel to be lost and blind loneliness is your only guide"
Back in hospital this week..3days in chemo unit..time to take it all seriously again….I don't want to take it seriously…I don't even want to think about it…in bed now typing this..dark room…is just getting light ouside..4.26 am…watching Bruce Springsteen live in new york DVD…4 other guys in here..all over 60..ghosts of Christmas future..I think..been awake since 4 don't know if I actually slept..is hard to tell here..people walking around all night..don't know if you really saw them or just dreamt it..very talkative bunch this time..don't know if I like that..some things you don't want to hear about…is kind of scary..most people have had operations and then there treatment..and just as I share that beautiful moment of my beautiful fears..some guy just farted for about 6 seconds…count that out in your head that's pretty impressive in your sleep…as I was saying though…I'm having my treatment in advance…which again I don't really think about..but I think is because my cancer is so large..needs all this treatment to help the operation be a success…now these guys are in for 6 chemos..post op…you here that..post op I know all the lingo now…so even after my ops I can be back for 6 more…another 3 months…I think this year is now totally written off…thinking I might change my age etc…can you do that by de-poll..blank the whole year out…now some old guy just rolled over and said…"oh yeah"…where the fuck am I really!! This is still all way to surreal…I surely don't have cancer???..yes you fucking do…
"talk about a dream try to make it real,you wake up in the night with a fear so real you spend half your life waiting for a moment that just don't come"
Four goes at getting my needles in today for drip..3 different nurses tried…then I asked for Fiona..shes small cute and most sadistic..in a good way of course..if their too nice and gentle they cant get the needles in..another part of my new found super powers..veins of steal…so Fiona comes in…first time straight sore as fuck…but easier than someday searching round inside your arm with a needle for 5 mins…and were off 48 hours of constant drugs….been a while since I had this chemo forgot how weird it is…was 3 new guys in today…going through all the stuff I did at first..looking scared asking questions…getting freaked out when your arms starts getting strange sensations from the chemo hitting your veins..straight from the fridge..is a cool kind of painful.thing…but like all things when its your first time you don't know what its supposed to be like..can be scary..
"cant speak cant talk cant do anything I want, cant run cant hide keep thinking of a suicide"
Got my tea brought in tonight..cant face hospital food…had KFC…thanks Grant and Goska…Baz is bringing it in tonight don't know what I will I have…oh yeah hard days ahead…operations! I am shitting myself…before it didn't worry me..but is getting closer…so I know there is bad news ahead..and I don't really want that..at moment its biy fucked up buy I'm happier than I have been for a long time…had a few good nights out..see my friends more..don't want to go to where I was few months ago..and I know the info I will get about the ops will do that..that's why they havent told me yet…but its at least a month away..so lets play pretend for a while longer….
"how does it feel when your cold inside, emptiness is constant at your side, freezing every thought that you try to hide, how doe it feel when your dead inside..couldn't shed a tear because your dead inside"
3am…Wednesday….up again..slept for a little while but now that's me up…today was a total drag…up at 4 am makes for a long day…didn't really leave my bed all day..just listened to some music..Zoe came to visit me today..Jenny came yesterday…the old men get jealous when I get all the hot visitors…Baz brought me MacDonald's for my tea…Big mac..chicken burger thing fries…was actually quite good and I hate MacDonald's…is only one person out of six eating the hospital food!!! that's how much it sucks!!..been so bored today..texting people non stop..people I don't even really talk to now..just to kill time…Prof Munro came to see me today..the guy in charge of all that happens to me now..another 15 second conversation…is all going to schedule..ok see you later…that brings our total time spent together to about 4 mins…is mad! Lets hope he spends all his time figuring out how to cure me..
I'm happy this time had my drip put on super fast so I'm out by 8am!! That is ace!! The last day is worst waiting for machine to run out…Been a bit worried though had my check up before chemo..and the Dr heard some strange sounds when listening to my breathing…then got another Dr to listen…and tried to palm me off saying it was because she had a new shiny stethescope..it might work better…hmmmm like I'm a five year old…they then go away talk about it then come back and tell me not to worry!!! Whatever!!….I suppose the super powers have to wear off at some point…one more chemo to go…reason to celebrate?…I'm not sure…I'm well scared of finding out what happens next…can be some really shit outcomes to my surgery depending on how much has to be removed…which could effect the rest of my life and how I live it…not that this hasn't done that already…but certain things like scars and worse aren't that appealing to me. And I wish people weren't so shallow it didn't bother them..( chic's I mean)..I'm already pretty self conscious…fuck knows what I'll be like..just been getting a bit of confidence back lately..was out at weekend..had a few drinks that maybe helped to but spoke to a few girls..which I never do!!…I think its because I don't care about telling people anymore that I'm ill I'm quite used to it now.. Before it just wasn't worth the hassle. What would say to guy you just met when he says he has cancer…goodbye I reckon…
"once I thought I saw you in a crowded hazy bar dancing on the lights from star to star….once I saw your brown eyes turn to fire…you are like a hurricane. I wana love you but I get so blown away"
Fame…in the Herald this week (local newspaper)..for doing the10k….front page…pretty embarrassing…in big letters Cancer Sufferer !!not sure I wanted everyone knowing..but its been good a lot people being very nice..people I don't know coming saying well done hope it goes well etc…suppose I have to be truthful here too..amongst these three separate guys decided to kiss me on the cheek..whats that all about..and one commenting on the size of my balls !! very weird..I think some people took advantage though..one not so slim chic had me in kind of a bear hug..and another kissed me on the lips for uncomfortably long time…now my mate has changed my name in his phone to Steve Barnes from the Herald as I'm now known..dick!..he's just biscuit ersed because the papers made a big deal of me beating them in the run…have to think up next fund raising event..ideas on a postcard please!!…..
"there's something out there I love, there's somewhere out there I belong"
Too ill to get better...
"fill my mornings with light and my nights with hope, make me realise what I have is more"
May 28th....Went in for chemo..had to get a quick blood test..my one from Friday was showing my blood count was too low...dont ask me what it all means because I dont know..i think was my immunity was too low...it has to be 1.5..and mine was 0.8...so if new test is still low then i get sent home...hang about for an hour...get speaking to guy accross from me..his chosen subject..his operation..the same as im waiting to get...great...I think he was trying to make me feel better about it ..wasnt working..Ive avoided all talk of my operations for 6 months...purely because im scared shitless...i dont care about the chemo and the radiotherapy..the operations are scary...if the makes me a pussy then fair enough...anyway..tests came back..im up 0.9...so Im getting sent home...and Im not allowed to get my new tattoo!!...that sucks...have to put it off until after i can get this chemo..and my immunity is back up...so back in hospital Tuesday 5th June...if my blood tests are good this week..was blood test number 22...first time ive really looked..fuck me its a big needle for that..
...so this should be my last chemo before the ops..so more tests coming up i'd imagine..i guess I should ask this stuff but I really am just happier not knowing..its only now that i know the ops are soon ive even been thinking about being ill...the rest of time i just go for my Dr appointments or go to hospital and dont even give it a thought...even now 6 months in im denying the whole thing...i feel fine..i look fine..i can fucking act fine pretty good..so therefore i am fine!...im actually sick of the whole thing now..i just want it all over..i want to wake up with something else to think about..everywhere i go i hear about it..everywhere i look there is something to remind you..fuck it..
I dont even really have anything to write in this blog..im just really pissed off..this week has been totally shit...after my last chemo i felt pretty rough for a week,,but id rather that than this total boredom...im so bored i could cry..or smash up my living room...i dont want to go to hospital this week..other day it was just two other old guys..they didnt even understand what people were saying..im not being nasty here..i know its not their fault etc..but if you were gona share a room for 24 hours a day for 3 days..who would you choose..its not fun...and asthis is last chemo i want to put it off..put off the ops...what if next week they say ok you can come in monday we'll do the ops!! i dont know what im gona do..the ops are scary enough but all that time im gona have to stay in hospital...fuck sake!!...ok this is turning into just moaning..gona stop..`i`ll write something better with some laughs etc when im in a better mood...
Sent home again...Bowling Club Bling!!!
June 5th... Well i was just settling in to my squeaky fart noise hospital chair geting ready to start this blog when i got sent home again!!..two weeks in a row..my immunity was still too low for more chemo so i got another week off..cool!!..the nurse was saying how it put my schedule off though..if i take this long to recover after my next chemo the they cant operate..i was like..hmmm...operate??..nobody told me that was happening next week!!..so I take it i have this chemo..is a CT scan booked for this week or early next week then off to the surgeons..scary dairy!!...
...So getting sent home leaves me with only the bus trip to write about...but the number 73 didnt let me down..anyone remember number 73 the saturday morning kids show??...anyway..yeah was on the bus..thinking how i like it when girls come on and sit near you..it smells better for a while..unless they wear DKNY perfume ..i hate that...too strong..like bleach..dont wear it..then this was spoiled...this old guy got on in Carnoustie somewhere..he had on just one black leather glove...I dont know if he is in some Micheal Jackson paedo appreciation society..or..just copyin my world (world=a small amount of people in Arbroath) famous wooden hand trick..well this guy was humming of TCP..what do they do with that??..and then he took the glove off to blow his nose..he didnt have a wooden hand a claw or nothing..disapointing...ahh before all this..when i paid for the bus i got an extra pound back in my change..the girl looked all nervous and new so i gave her it back when she went passed..and my reward for this she kept looking at me all the way there making me paranoid..she also had on a bright red bra under her light blue shirt..now im not sure of Strathtays policy on breast support during working hours..but im sure it aint bright red..get it sorted strathtay!!...
....Next passenger i didnt like was this old woman..all dressed up..posh raincoat etc...way too much make up..making a face like she was smelling a fart as she decided who to sit next too..obviously way too posh to sit with these people..its a fucking bus you snooty bastard!!...next few stops down the road..girl gets on..must work in a hairdresser or clothes shop or something..all done up..but orange!!..i dont understand this...she must have a mirror..she was orange!!,,girls dont you tell your friends when they are unnatural colour??..its like there is a diference between light natural tan and tan as in the shoe polish colour!!..stop doing it!!...next guy was my favourite of the day..stop just getting into Dundee..this guys came straight from his ghetto (residential home for the elderly)..covered in bowling club bling!!..i wanna write a book called bowling club bling now..he had his breeks Simon Cowelled right up under his armpits nearly..white shirt, red tie, blue bowling club blazer with the patch on the breast pocket...and the bling...he had 7 bowling bages..i dont know what they get them for?..is it like the brownies?..or maybe hes been on tour with his bowling crew..so 7 badges..no less than 5 pens clipped on his breast pocket..not yer yellow plastic bic shite..they all looked like papermates...but why you need 5??..a well shiny bowling tie clip..and a St Christopher on a very long chain round his neck worn over the shirt and tie..he was cool!!...no doubt off to hump some old bowling chics...
...another guy that i noticed is one you see alot..wearing a North Face fleece style jacket..thses people seem to think simply wearing this gives them the look of Mr adventure man..like that Bear Gryll or whatever his name is did the itv show not long ago..they chuck him out of a plane in the forrest or something and he finds his way home..eating raw fish and beasties..being totaly over enthusiastic about everything..a cross between the bush tucker man..the crocodile hunter guy..and that dude i like that does the BBC..wilderness stuff..i cant remember his name either..i might google this shit later and update this...anyway..wearing a North Face jacket and carrying a rucksack does not make you Mr extreme sports..ive bagged 16 Munro's ...and climbed Ben Nevis man..dont get sucked in...
..I noticed this a few times..when you go to Ninewells there is a huge graveyard..and everytime i have passed which must be nearly 60 times almost every grave has flowers on it..ive never seen that before..where are all these Dundee folk getting money for flowers when most of them cant even dress themselves?....only other thing of note was on the bus home..bus conductor boy..wearing a yellow plastic watch..and a bright yellow spongebob belt??? gay!!!!...
Last Chemo...for now..
June 12th… Up again for chemo number 6..the last one before surgery..another mile stone in a year the has gone way too fast..I don't know if its been a good thing or a bad thing that time has gone so quick..is good to get all this crap out of the way but at same time I always feel like I should be making more of my time..always that feeling that it could always be my last chance to do something..I want to be out every weekend etc..I'm sure people see me out at the weekends with a bottle of miller in my hand thinking there's nothing wrong with that boy he's putting it on..I'm not just trying to have a little fun too…..
Was running late today so I thought for the 8:17 bus…so went to the closer bus stop at Keptie pond…I see Angus college has managed to teach some wee shites how to write..and they have used this new talent to decorate the bus stop..apparently Naomi is shagging Conner…and its 10p for a ride and 20p for blow job…I bet Naomi's parents are proud..a few other people love somebody else forever..all written in some kind of chav hieroglyphics in black marker pen…I did once take part in a little graphite in the old subway tunnel near the steps in biro..and its still there I saw it the other night..it says "its not the tunnel that stinks of pish its yer ma" try and find it..I'll send you a prize..once I'd read the latest news on Naomi and searched for her phone number..I thought I'd check the timetable..the only time of the day there is no 17 minutes past bus is 8:17...bastards…so I just walked down to the bus station and waited there for the next beautiful 73a….
…Got to the hospital and headed down to ward 32..damn it my blood was ok this week and I had to stay in..just having to wait on a bed..no window beds!!! I've lost my VIP status no bed with a view…hang about for a while get a once over from the Dr then I'm ready to go..and for the first time my needle was in first time..wooohooo…was one of the old guys there that I'd been in with before..he is like a little kid..he needs constant attention..always wanting to talk..and if I don't speak for a bit he is like waving or throwing things at me to get me paying attention again..on the last day of chemo I was knackered I don't sleep at all in hospital..I was lying on my bed my jumper over my face so I cant smell the food..and I was sleeping..the old guy grabs my foot and says "STEVE…STEVE..are u asleep!!?.."…and I said yes..unreal!…oh yeah I have to say all the nurses are ace in ward 32 and of course the best looking in the whole of Ninewells..I have to say that now as I told them the address for my page they might read this..Fiona is the best she brings me coffee at 4am when I cant sleep..
The chemo itself this time was a little uneventful so I don't have much to say..I decided not to have my drip speeded up this time..you get 2 big bags for your drip that last 22 hours each..last time I had them both speeded up to 18 hours ..I think this is why I felt like shit for days that time..getting abit too cocky about my lack of side effects..so this time I just relaxed and let them go at the right speed ..not like im in a hurry to get home for anything..as far as the treatment goes which I guess is the serious side to these blogs and why I write them..Prof Munro came round and arranged for my CT scan..which is pretty scary..that's my first test since all the chemo and radiotherapy..so is scary to see what's been happening and if its been working..and if I will be in for my ops soon..all scary stuff..not looking forward to that meeting..one of the other guys just had his scan and his cancer had spread more..I don't often stop and think about the bad side to it all anymore..but sometimes I have to..I just kind hide from it all..like will this all effect my actual life expectancy..can it still spread more..will it come back?…all too scary to think about..deal with it when it comes…
..There was another guy in the ward..he was telling me about positive thinking..he goes to seminars and reads the books etc..a little strange sitting in a cancer ward hooked up to a drip full of chemo and believing positive thinking really works??..but he reckons when he's having his breakfast he concentrates on where he will park his car..and everyday when he gets there the space is empty!..wow..hes been watching way too much Deal or no Deal..and at this point everyone in the ward concentrated together..we all though very positively about this guy shutting the f**k up..it didn't work…sorry Noel im not buying it..
Anyway I suppose that is it for now..gona relax and maybe get drunk this weekend before I have these tests then get ready for my ops..shitting it..working on my new fund raising idea..look out for it..
Too cool for school
A little departure from my usual blogs, just to share some thoughts from this evening as I was walking around, had a short conversation about drugs with a friend the other day made me think a little. Are drugs still cool? were they ever cool?..having never smoked a cigarette in my life i am no doubt the biggest square and bore going..having never suffered from peer pressure or felt the need to be socialy accepted I couldnt give a fuck how square or boring I seem to others..I just fail to see why drugs or the taking of drugs is cool?..Im not saying this from some moral high point,I dont think I am better because i dont use drugs. "I shall never above nor beneath him be" thats not from the bible incase you wondered dont think that is cool either..Im just thinking out loud, not trying to start a debate about whether alcohol and caffine are drugs, there just over used excuses and argumets put forward by people trying to justify thier own habbits and lifestyles?..Im all for personal choice,but in all my experiences people using drugs feel the need to impress them onto others and to encourage, goad and pressure friends into being as cool as them, is this a need to feel safe in numbers?..to again justify thier own needs, in a town saturated with coke heads, stoners and if your down town at 9am you can see all the folk lining up at the chemists for the methadone prescriptions..is it cool to be one of many?..surely its cool jsut to be one?.to be original,independant,inspirational a trend setter not a trend follower, where I used to work there was a poster with all the drugs you can get, all the nick names etc for each..the amount of staff that could go through that list and Heroin was the only drug they hadnt tried,is that cool?..guys in the pub raising thier voice on the mobile phone to a guy trying get hold of a gram of coke in the hope everyone will be impressed with thier coolness, why not give the money to charity? impress people in a good way, leave one positive footstep for people to follow...Ozzy Osbourne got his coke delivered in washing powder boxes..is he the coolest guy in the world?..Lance Armstrong overcame several cancers to win the Tour De France 7 times..cool?..if he was on the podium with a spliff in his mouth no doubt he would be cool..world is a little fucked up..maybe if people had to take drugs to keep them alive, had to suffer the side effects, had to arrange thier whole life around taking this medicine at the right times..maybe then it isnt cool..maybe Im just jealous, maybe I want to be this cool..i never did wear the pastel coloured Pringle jumpers at school,didnt have the new Nike Airs or the Reebok pumps,didnt have the jeans with the same lable as you..didnt have a car with lots of stickers to tell you what stereo I have,I didnt go to Ibiza,I dont go to T in the park anymore,I dont have Arctic Monkeys down as having been my favourite band all my life even though they only appeared last year,I didnt get my haircut because you shouted at me once that I should,I dont shop in USC,I dont look like the window display from Top Shop when Im out with my friends,I didnt waste 3 months a year only talking about Big Brother,etc etc etc...what is cool?surely whatever you do whatever you wear whatever you like is cool..or is it being all safe in a crowd, surrounded by the same people, same clothes,same everything..your cool you tell me???just a wee thought for the night..
A grasp of modern surgery techniques and a basic knowledge of plumbing.. Well, here it is the big day for results..the last 6 months of treatment, all the drugs,drips,Dr`s,needles,nurses,bloodte
sts,scans,endoscopys,pills,radio/chemot
herapy,pain,fear,depression,...all comes down to these results..big build up huh?...
Have to start with the bus journey as always...was a little late for the bus so the bottom deck was full..damn it I had to sit upstairs..so was noboday to watch..wasnt long before i saw something..and this was repeated at most stops along this way too familiar journey..old people..when is it you start to be confused as to how things work?.simple things like a bus stop..it has bus stop written on it..when the bus sees you here at one of the signs/shelters etc it will stop..so why is it at every stop there is an old person that feels the need to wave,maybe just a hand maybe thier stick or whatever limb they still have some control over to signal the bus to stop??some even step out into the road like thier flagging down a New York taxi!!..also they dont understand how waiting rooms work..take the Abbey Health centre..now you have maybe 6 Dr`s there..each person is given a time..we call these appointments..you turn up at this time..wait then u go in..for old people (women mostly) this is hard to grasp..any person that is called in before them is some how jumping the queue..these people are seeing thier own Dr at the time of thier appointment!! it is not our fault you turned up an hour early "just incase"...!! stop doing things just incase!! it bugs me..when they get off the bus they double check thier seat "just incase" left something.looking under the seat and stuff..they do it in cafes and stuff to..you didnt bring anything with you!! what the fuck could you have left??..your teeth??
Got to the hospital..I wasnt feeling nervous for my results which was a surprise i thought i would be..think im a bit too used to it all now..anyway the results were good or better than good the Prof said..my tumors have all shrunk..and shrunk more than they could have even hoped for..one of the spots in my liver has even completely disapeard from the scan...so is pretty good news..all the treatment went well..i was worried that because i had no major reactions or side effects that the drugs just wernt working for me..but hey i was wrong..they worked good..next stop off to see the surgeon..this is all the stuff ive been blocking out for the last 6 months..better to wait until it happens to worry about it..
So the surgeon starts to explain to me what they will do..have to have a few more tests to see if they can do both my operations at once or one at a time..that is to remove cancer from my liver and the other to remove the primary tumor (that means the big one) from my bowel or rectum if you like that word better..all gets a bit technical from there..from what i can tell is a combination of modern surgery techniques a basic knowledge of plumbing and a few classes in sewing similair to what i did Home Ec at school..i kinda switch on the bad news filter when i speak to these guys..i learnt this selective hearing technique from one of my ex`s..i hear key hole,less pain,smaller scar,cured,removed,less time in hospital,success,walking around after few days,...i tried not hear..complications,9 hours in surgery,more time in hospital,erectile disfunction!(yup that means can stop the stiffies!!fuck that!or not as it may be),infection,spread,colostomy,risk, etc..but i did hear them...guess which i dont like the sound of..i knew that even the radiotherapy can effect the sexual performance..but it didnt..but the op can do this too..i hope the NHS has a big stock of those wee blue pills..if they break wee Steve there will be trouble..he performs an important role in society spreading happiness whereever he goes..but all in all the surgeon was quite positive..being very vain the main things that have worried me through out were losing my hair and having a colostomy.(basicaly having ur bowel function removed..having to use a colostomy bag which is the reversed after 6 weeks or so) but i really didnt fancy..this guy only does this as a last resort due to complications..so that is good..a few extradays in hospital is worth it for this i think..probably be in for a week or more depending on how it goes..thats gona be boring..
So all in all it has went well...last 6 months has flown by..and in maybe 3-4 months more i will be all better..im kinda scared of going back to normal..dont know what im going back to..my life was pretty shit before i found out i had cancer..its kinda given me something to focus on..also gave me a reason to be a moody bastard,depressed etc..where as before i didnt really have a good reason..so i was just a moody depressed bastard..i dont know what i want to do anymore..i havnt really thought passed all this..maybe i kinda thought i might not get passed all this..dunno..im sure life wont be the same again though..ive met alot of new and cool people through all this its had a lot of positives..maybe wierd but its been good..
Anyway ive waffled alot here..and i havent even put in any song quotes..might come back and put some in later..one last thing to end on that made me laugh to myself in the waiting are today..was a couple of Dundee guys..one a patient one a visitor..visitor was saying about his new jeans..they cost him £99...but he will wear them all the time until he wears the arse out of them..he said in a kind over whelmed way that some people have 4 or 5 pairs of jeans!!..like thats lots..and that he`d rather just have the one good pair..and wear them all the time..i thought that was funny..he deserves some credit though at least he didtn just buy one good tracksuit to wear the arse out of like his mate...
im not writing this blog yet...
This should be my biggest and hardest blog yet..maybe my last blog..im still recovering from my operations and still going through alot of hard,painful stuff so I am going to leave this blog until i can cocentrate enough to do it justice, I will have to look back over20 days in hospital and all the crazy things that happened in there,imnot sure i will remember them all but the worst nights i will aways remeber. So maybe in a few weeks my final blog on having cancer will be finshed and i will be all back to normal with nothing to write about.
Pains Drains and Hospital meals...
Pains Drains and Hospital Meals..
I think I have waited too long to write this blog..I cant really remember all that happened during my time in hospital..so this will be more of a summary of the time I spent in hospital after my operations and the time recovering..
July 9th…I went into ward 12 Sunday afternoon to prepare for my operations on the Monday morning..it took about 5 mins before I was getting a taste of things to come..there was an old guy in the bed opposite..he had one leg longer than the other..a very large stomach which hung over his chair as he sat..he had very thick glasses and pretty much just looked like a frog..anyway every 2 mins this guy would shout that he was gona die.."I cant breathe, I cant breathe im choking to death!!!" not just every so often but EVERY 2 mins!!..this was mixed in with screams of "oh god" "oh dear" and my favourite "oh you brute"…even with my headphones on I could hear this all night..so after a night of this nutter and no sleep I get out of bed at 6am to have my shower and get ready for surgery..get my nice gown on and my sexy thigh length surgical stockings on..8am and the surgeon comes around with one of the Dr`s he explains to me that my white blood cell count is still a little low and that I wouldn't be strong enough to have both my operations at once as planned..he gave me a choice..go ahead and have my liver op then wait for 10 days or so in hospital then have my bowel surgery..or go home for 2 weeks wait until I am stronger and have both at once.. Easy choice..I went home..
July 18th….Back in ward 12.preparing for surgery..was looking good no nutters in the ward and my blood tests were all good…so this was it I was definitely going to have my operations..10 hours of surgery to remove the cancer from my liver and remove the cancer from my bowel and join it all back up so it still works normally..first of all I had to go through the preparations for surgery..(2 enemas and drinking some stuff that makes you shit until you cant shit no more)…after all this I sat in bed for the night watching Oz on DVD and listening to music..no sleep all night..then up again at 6am have my shower and get dressed for surgery… it really doesn't seem right writing this now so long after..I cant really say how I was feeling at the time..I can only write what I remember..maybe I will come back to this and make it a little better..imnot that well at the moment and it makes it hard to concentrate or even have the motivation to do this..before the ops I wasn't scared..I was scared of waking up in pain..or waking up to find that they had to do open surgery and not key hole as planned..the difference being some little nice scars or one great big fucker from below my belly button right up to my chest..I had seen a few like this when I was in the chemo ward..some of the guys had already had their ops..when I mentioned to them I was getting keyhole surgery they couldn't wait to show me their scars..then the next guy would be like call that a scar (in a Mick Dundee..you call that a knife sort of way)…anyway I definitely didn't want that..also I didn't want to wake up to find a colostomy bag strapped to my side that would also be a bad sign..
So the porter turns up and starts wheeling me off to the theatre..once there you switch over onto a smaller less comfy bed..and wait in kind of car park for surgery beds..a few people lined up waiting to go..next im wheeled into the theatre and the anaesthetist man comes in…sticks a needle in my arm and says can you feel anything yet?..I said nope..then that's all I remember until I woke up..
I woke up with a nurse looking over me..in a strange room..I was kind of drifting in and out..was very confusing…I kept asking her the time..but the clock I could see on the wall had stopped so it was freaking me out..I thought it was daytime but it was the middle of the night..my mouth was very dry..I had on an oxygen mask and some tubes going up my nose with more oxygen..I had a small plastic cup with water which I was allowed to have sips from whenever I was able to speak loud enough to get the nurse to give me it..I spoke to her on and off for a little while but I don't know what about and cant remember what she looks like..next time I woke up I had 2 guys trying to move me around the bed to change my hospital gown..this was pretty fucking sore..and they didn't really seem to give a shit..I wasn't able to move at all..I had this button in my hand which would give me dose of morphine each time I push it…it didn't work very well though..
I was in the HDU high dependency unit..didn't seem that way..the nurse that was supposed to be looking after me kept fucking off..even when I asked for a glass of water she went away for an hour..came back and said to me sorry I was talking to my friend…what the fuck!!..
By evening time I was getting pissed off with the HDU..and I got moved to ward 12..this is where the nightmare began……
My be was between a very old guy and an old woman…the old guy was a fucking nutter!!!…he was constantly trying to get out of his bed..rip his drip out of his arm..shout "nurse" every few minutes..this was fairly annoying…as it got later into the night it got worse and worse..the old guy was talking to his drip thinking it was a nurse..he was shouting all kinds of weird stuff about the phone ringing..that he had to get next door and get Charlies dogs..?? Still trying to get out his bed and had managed to pull his drip out his arm..once the lights were out he got really bad, he was now fighting with the nurses when they tried to get him back in bed..he was punching and kicking them..I was totally knackered by this time I really just wanted to go to sleep..I was in a lot of pain I couldn't move and this guy was doing my head in…this just went on and on…then if he wasn't enough the old woman decided to join in…she was walking round the ward trying to find a phone and the controls for the heating which she said were definitely behind my bed…when I told her there was no heating controls she said "ah so you are in on it too"…I was like ok?..turns out she was convinced there was a conspiracy between all the people in the hospital to kill her so we could sell her house…im sure they put me in the mental ward…she refused to take and pills or drink anything incase it was poison..she said there were police in the ward that had let off a bomb…I was stuck between these two head cases….the old guy was getting worse and worse…now he was 97!!..it was now 4am..they were injecting him with sedatives and he was still going…each time they left him he would climb out of his bed..a few times falling onto my bed…I couldn't even close my eyes incase this nutter jumped on my bed…even after two injections he was still going right through until 10am the next day before he finally went to sleep!!..the old woman was still being mental in the morning..moaning like fuck at everyone and asking every person that went passed if she could have a fag!!…she was gona smoke it at the window and nobody would notice..she kept hassling me about the police and this bomb she heard..when the nurse asked her to leave me alone..that id just had two big operations and no sleep because of the mad old guy..she laughed and said so what ive not had a fag for 2 days!! Fucking boot..
I got moved later that day to the other side of the ward so the old guy couldn't dive on my bed..he slept all day until 8pm..then as soon as he woke up he started the shouting and getting out of bed all over again..I was like for fuck sake not again!!..this time they gave him some big sedative..he was straight out..he only moved once in the next two days..that was when they rolled him out the bed to change the sheets when he pissed himself..normaly you would feel sorry for old guys like this..not this guy if I could have moved id have beat the shit out of him that night..
Monday…got a text at 7.30am from my dad to tell me that my Auntie had died the night before..I was pretty upset at this…another thing to go wrong..not only that but I was stuck in hospital..I couldn't go see my mum or get out in time for the funeral..spent most of the morning just lying in bed..the nurses all kind left me to it knowing what had happened…I saw my scars for the first time today…I wasn't expecting to see staples..I had 7 scars about and inch long in various parts of my stomach..one about 4 inches long just on my waist line..25 staples altogether..one tube coming out from my side which was a drain taking all the fluid from where id had my op inside..none of it looked good..
Throughout the day I started to feel more and more ill..my temp was way up..at 39.5 at one point which is pretty bad..I had some sort of infection..I was also shitting none stop due to some bug I had picked up..not fun when you cant really move and it takes a few minutes to roll out of bed..
I got pretty ill through the night and got moved to my own room…being so ill was not a good thing..having my own room with a tv and a fan was fucking great!!!!..no mad old guys or evil old women…I was really feeling bad though..I just lay in bed still not able to move a lot still in a fair bit of pain..taking shit loads of pils..getting injections..drips..I really didn't expect it to be so hard..over the next 3-4 days I got over the infection..my temp came down and everything started to look up…after 8 days I was allowed to eat..well I was allowed rice crispies!..and I had a cup of coffee..theni was allowed jelly and clear soup…in hospital both of these are gross!!..got my friends to bring me in some proper jellys that actually tasted of something..
Staying in hospital 24 hours a day is very very hard..I only expected to be in for 10 days at the most..after the infections and the bug had cleared I was hoping I would get to go home..I had blood tests every day and every day they said they still showed some sign of infection..which meant I wasn't going home..apart from that I still had the drain in my side..it looks really horrible..u tube about 1cm diameter coming out my side going into a bag that collects all the fluid..mostly its white blood cells..a kind of yellow liquid..well this bag just keeps filling and filling and until it stops I cant go home..I actually feel ok,,ive been walking up to the shops upstairs to meet my friends and have coffee etc..but this drain is keeping me in..
Everyday brings the fear of what they will do to me today..blood tests, needles etc are all easy I don't care about that..I had the tube that went up my nose and into my stomach pulled out after a few days that was pretty gross..then another few days I had my catheter pulled out..and they aren't gentle..that hurt…then I had my staples out after 10 days..surprisingly that didn't hurt at all..25 metal staples pulled out with these fancy pliers was pretty cool to watch..but having this drain taken out was worrying me..
I was starting to eat a little better and I was sneaking off to the kitchen to use the milk machine and was drinking 4 pints of milk a day..I had lost lots of weight..nearly a stone..I had already lost 1.5 stone during the year having the chemo etc..so I was looking pretty bad..this combined with having very bad psoriasis which had covered my entire body..another nice side effect of the chemo..so all in all I looked fucking hellish..my face all collapsed in my eyes were looking way to big for my head I hated it..even on the days I managed to do my hair etc look a little better it was still very depressing..kinda hard to stay positive when everything is just so shit..at nights when I couldn't sleep either because I was in pain or because it was just impossible to be comfy..my scars still not healed and the drain coming from my side..I would give anything just to be comfortable..you start even just thinking of times when you were comfy..sitting at home..having a coffee..etc..I started thinking of my ex..I don't know why..she hadn't really been very good about me being ill, she had only text once that I can remember to ask how I am doing..but when your lying there feeling that shit anything that helps even a little is good..
Was now more than 2 weeks that I had been in hospital. I was feeling ok but I was still showing signs of infection and my drain was still filling up..I was starting to get very annoyed and I really wanted to get out..the food was worse than shit..the daytime tv was killing me…and then even worse news..I was going back into the ward..no more tv..no more peace and quiet..sucks!!…so I went back through into the ward and it looked ok..no nutters..and the bed next tome was empty..my friends came to visit that night and just as I was saying to them that there was no mental cases in the ward this old guy gets wheeled into the space next to me..he was asleep and looked normal enough..I joked with them that he would probably go mental when he wakes up..well…when he did wake up the first thing he did was notice he had a catheter in and he had no clue what it was..he was buzzing for the nurse and just kept looking at it wondering what the fuck it was..the first nurse came.."what is this for?" that's for when you want to go to the toilet.."ok" "but what about when I want to go to the toilet" you don't have to worry about that, it will just go into the bag.."ahh, who empty's it?" we will empty it when it is full.."ok, so what happens when I want to go to the toilet?"..this went round and round for a good while..the nurse soon gave up..then another nurse came passed and he asked what to do when he needs the toilet..and she obviously didn't notice he had a catheter and gave him a bottle..which just confused him even more..so when the next nurse came along and he asked again..she explained how the bag works and eventually he got it..as she walked away she took the bottle with her..he stopped her and said "wont I be needing that?" and we started all over again..thais was actually quite funny..but obviously once again ive got parked next to a nutter…the lights go out..and the old guy is on the buzzer again..he is sitting on the edge of his bed still looking with total confusion at this tube coming from his knob..when the nurse appeared he explained that it had leaked and that his pyjamas were wet..she gave him a tissue!!..he was like cant I have a new pair of pyjama bottoms..she moaned then went to get them..and pretty much through them down for him..this was the start of another comedy..his catheter was through the hole in his trousers..which meant there was no way for him to take them off..this didn't stop him trying..and after a good 20 minutes..he managed to take off the trousers and put on another pair…he then got up and started walking towards the toilet..dragging behind him his pyjama bottoms attached to his catheter tube…eventually the nurse saw him and they had to cut them off…fuck knows how he managed to do that..
Actually got a little sleep during my first night in the ward..woke up and had all the Docs come round as they do each day with all the bad news..today was no exception..I was to have my drain shortened..not taken out but shortened..scary..I was thinking maybe they take it out and inch or so..anyway the Docs turn up..I lie on my side..they cut the stitches that are holding the tube in place..and pull it out a little..I didn't really feel that..then the have to sew it back into place..a few injections around the hole..ouch!!..this is to numb it..so they say..then they put in some stitches..ouch!!!!…then tie the thread round the tube being every so fucking rough!..ouch!..anyway when I looked down to see how much they had taken out it was like 8 inches worth!!..this was just to shorten it??…how far did it go??…
Well it was the weekend and I was planning on getting out one way or another..I arranged a meeting with the specialist nurse that I have spoken with each time I am in the hospital..and basically begged for her to get them to let me out on a pass..which meant I could go home each night then just come back in for my tests..this worked and I get home..went to stay at my parents house..it wasn't much diferent from being in hospital I was in a room with a small tv and wasn't very comfy..I got better food and juice when I wanted it though..I still couldn't sleep..by now it was getting bad..I mean maybe 2 hours a night at the most for the last 3 weeks..after a few trips back to hospital they took out my drain…it doesn't hurt coming out..but it feels very weird…there was nearly another 1.5 feet of it inside me..where the fuck was it all??..well that was me 21 days after I went in I was going home..
I'm gona cut this short now..im not making a great job of writing this part of my blog..and I don't want it to be shit..the next few weeks staying at home was absolute torture…I couldn't sit for long..couldn't lie for long..couldn't stand for long..I was sleeping maybe 1 hour a night..I was going mad..having to go to the toilet maybe every 20 mins..just total hell..I got sleeping pills from the doc which normally I would never take but I was desperate..and they helped me sleep for 2 hours a night..no use at all..some days I actually thought I was starting to feel better..but I wasn't..I was actually just getting used to how bad it was..I decided to go back to my own house..I was still in a bad way but at least at home I was alone and could just lie on the couch all day without any hassle..I tried walking outside..looking like id shat myself..I was kind of hunched over like an old man..the scars on my stomach stopping me from straightening up totally..I was still really really skinny and all red blotches from the psoriasis and with 10 scars from the surgery..I looked fucking awful…it was very very depressing..I really cant stress just how fucking hard all this was..people always say your looking well, dealing with it really well, they aren't there at 4 am when your crying out of sheer frustration from no sleep, from the pain and just hating every minute of being alive..
Since getting out of hospital it has been very hard..I have gotten a little better put on more weight and feel a lot stronger..but it is still hell at the moment..there is still pain,,still very hard to be comfortable..still very insecure and self conscious about how I look and how people see me..cancer takes away a lot of things..I cant have kids, ive lost almost a year of my life to the treatment, I cant live my life the way a 30 year old should for lots of horrible reasons im not gona put in here..it has taken away all my confidence..I feel totally shit..
Was my birthday 12th September….I had to go to the Dr, more problems..ive forgotten what he called it..but I have a connection now between my bowel and my bladder..a hole between the two that shouldn't be there..which is why ive had continuous infections etc..this problem can only be sorted with more surgery..which I am now waiting on..
I'm sorry this blog is really up to my others..not many jokes or anything..I really should have wrote it at the time I was in hospital instead of waiting so long..I might go back sometime and do them all again..but for now this is the best I can do..thanks for taking the time to read this..if you want to ask anything or leave a message please do..steve.
So far in 2007
So far this year I have had or i am having..:-
6 Chemo I.V, 3 days each in hospital, 10 days in between to feel better..
4 weeks chemo tablets.
25 sessions of radiotherapy,each zap = 1,000,000 x-rays, 3 zaps per session,
5 rectal examinations, some dudes finger up ur arse.
40+ blood tests, i lost count around 40,
4 visits to the assisted birth unit,sperm freezing as most of the above will make you sterile.
11 hours of surgery, removing cancer from my liver,removing cancer from my bowel and plumbing it all back in.
10 scars, 2 tiny, 7 just over an inch and one about 4 inches, which have cut through the nerves leaving my lower tummy numb is weird.
25 metal staples, holding scars together
1 wound drain, a tube that went into my side dwn to where i had op to drain off any fluid, not nice to look at, not nice getting it sewn into place then pulled out.
1 tube up my nose and down my throat to my stomach
1 tube up my knob, not good at all coming out,
3 weeks in hospital recovering from ops,
1 infection in hospital from the line sewn into my neck for the morphine to come through.
1 super bug, clostridium difficile,
shitloads of anti biotics,
4 ct scans
2 colonoscopy`s, camera crew up your arse
1 Barium enema x-ray
1 tube up the knob to put dye into your bladder,dont know what its called,having that next week i think.
1-2 hours sleep a night for nearly 2 months, torture, lots of discomfort, lots of pain, lots of being very anoyed and very unhappy,
2 stone lost in weight,very depressing,
15+ G.P appointments,meetings with surgeon, specialists, nurses,
30 sessions of photo biology, light treatment for the psoriasis that i got from the chemo,
And that is it for now, waiting to see if i need another operation to fix my new problem that has come up since the ops,
2007 sucks ass..2008 is no way gona be that interesting..i dont think there is anymore tests or examinations of embarassing situations for me to be in. But at least i will be here for 2008..or will i??..:)
If there is such a thing as Karma i was obviously Hitler in a past life.
July 3rd...Now I have a reason to write some blogs again..I got one good year out of my last ops..even though its not been very easy..but now almost a week to the day of my last ops my cancer is back again in my liver and i get to have another little adventure in Ninewells..going to see the surgeon tomorow to find out what he is gona do this time..but I..d just like to say why the fuck do I have such fucking bad luck..my life was just getting very good!! doing all the things I love with lots of cool people...and now this shit!!!...it starts to get a bit fucking anoying...but thats all the bad things i will say..the Dr dudes will fix me they are good at it... " god give me strength, god make me well, god take me somewhere anywhere but here"
New Operation
Just gona write this here so I dont have to explain it too many times.. Went to see the surgeon today, and the wee thing they saw on my liver few months ago on my CT scan has grown..and it is another tumor...its the little bit they couldnt get during my last operations....so to get rid of this one i need to have another operation..was hoping when this little bit came back it would be a simple little job to go get it...but then i dont have that kind of luck!!..its grown alot..and its grown right next to the main blood vessel of my liver..which means its very tricky to get it..and that i prob wont get key hole surgery this time..( i get to have a nice big scar ) ..and the recovery time gets longer..great...they are going to remove 35% of my liver..they allready took 15% last time..so thats a little worrying..they are going to wait and see how much they can take out before deciding if i need more chemo....anyway they are going to do the ops in 2 weeks..pretty quick huh??...and one of the possible days is exactly a year since my last ops..so that might be a lucky day..
..Everyone that said nice things allready ..thank you..it is appreciated..i might not always answer back to everyone..but i will be in a bad mood for a while.. i will answer when i can..i do always answer eventually..well gotta go tell my mum..thats a fun bit too.....
Frequently asked questions number 1
Are you scared of dying?..
Well..when you are further away from death i think you are scared of dying..but when you are a little closer you dont mind it so much..
Say you have a good life..happy..all is going well...healthy ..your gf has nice cans..that kind of thing..you hear your gate creek..you have a wee shufty out the window.."oh fuck" its death come to visit..you quickly duck down..turn the light out..put the volume down on the tv..stop moving incase your flor boards creek...you might even hold your breath although its a little bit of over kill...he rings the bell...you stand very still..he rings again...you say quietly to yourself.."fuck off man im not in"...he chaps the letter box..."fucking hell death you lanky streek of shit take a hint"...then you hear the gate creek , you wait a second then peer out..he..s gone..."thank fuck"....
But when things are shit....your not all that healthy..somebody else is looking at your gf..snice cans..etc..then you dont mind death so much..he..s not too bad..you tidy up a wee bit..get your life in order , get prepared for what might happen..have your last wee night out..see your friends..get brave and chat up the hot chic you were too scared to last week...then when you hear the creek at your gate..you jump up from your seat..go to the window..."oh aye here..s death coming" he looks up..you give him a wee thumbs up..just a single thumbs up mind..the double thumbs up should always be saved for a special occaision....you skip down the stairs to the door..( i have stairs down to my door)..open it up before he..s even rang the bell...invite him in...get the kettle on..make him a brew..crack open the biscuits...maybe even a few chocolate biscuits..making sure his ratio of chocolate to plain isnt more than 1 in 3..your not trying to ride him!!...you have a we blether..get right into it..the time flies by..and when he leaves your a wee bit sad..but you know he..ll be back..
Thats what its like...im not scared of death..but the fuckers not getting any of my chocolate biscuits yet!!..fuck him!!...
Stuff you didnt see..new op part 1
I think it is good that i can kinda carry on with my life enough that people dont realise I..m ill, but I dont like that people think its very easy and that its just like getting over a cold..its very fucking hard..and doing the for the second time was torture...
About 6 weeks ago I had a routine CT scan, usaully I would wait a week then go to my Dr and get the results..but this time I got a phone call from the hospital about 3 days later..asking if I would go in for a meeting with the surgeon..so I kinda knew i wasnt something good..and when the nurse did that voice..the almost patronising..being all nice but sounding like its the last time she will ever say goodbye to you voice I knew it was something shit...I got this phone call when I was on the train on the way to tattoo shop..so did my best to put it to back of mind and get on with my day..yet again hiding the fact that i fucking hate finding im ill..and that i really dont want to go through all the shit again!!..
I went for the meeting with my surgeon..and turns out the bad news I worked out i was gona get was worse than I thought..I had another tumor in my liver..and it was pretty big..it was pretty deep and it was right next to main blood vessel into my liver..as I allready had some of my liver removed last year it is complicated to operate again..so it looks like i will need to have open surgery..( a big scar and longer recovery) rather than keyhole surgery like last time..nice little scars and shorter recovery..but he would to wait until the day to decide when he gets a better look at whats going on..we plan to do the surgery the following Thursday..exactly one year since my last op....
So I leave the hospital..and head back to shop..tell everyone whats going on then just get on with stuff as always..go home tell my parents etc what will happen..then go back to my house and wonder why the fuck this stuff keeps happening to me.
I go into hospital on the Wed afternoon before my op..have all the tests and go over all the stuff with surgeon...he..s done his calculations and asks me to make a decision,,,have keyhole..smaller scarsshorter recovery..less risk of infections etc..but have to remove more liver leaving not enough and maybe dying in a few years..or have open surgery..a huge scar..longer recovery..more risk of infections and problems but keep 50% of my liver and not die in a few years..kindaeasy choice..but finding out how serious it all was just the night before freaked me out..so i escaped the hospital and ran away..went to the tattoo shop for an hour just to think and get ready for back into hospital..i wasnt scared for the op..i totaly trust my surgeon he..s the best..but I really didnt want a big scar..and I know how long i tool to get better from keyhole surgery..so the idea of something worse..scared me!!...
Didnt sleep all night..just listened to music..text people..and at 6am i got ready for the op..had a shower..got mu surgical stockings on and waited to get wheeled into the op room...first stop the anaesthetist..was going to be having an epidural..but they put me to sleep first..then stuck that in my back..and before I knew it was time to wake up..woke up in the recovery room..didnt feel to bad..but i had wires and tubes coming out everywhere..my neck..my hands..my nose..my throat..my feet!.my back and my favourite from my knob!..had a sore throath form the tubes and the oxygen mask..makes ur mouth very dry..but i wasnt feeling any pain so i was happy..
Next day i was in the Hdu..high dependency unit...had a nice comfy bed,..but wasnt doing much sleeping..hard to really get accross just how many wires and tubes you have on..all those i listed plus..the pulse monitor on my finger..the blood pressure monitor on my arm which fills up on its own every 30 mins..and some ECG sticky things on my chest..all hooked up to various beeping machines around my bed...first day i was ok..had a few visitors andi wasnt in any pain..hadnt looked at my scars yet as i didnt really want to know.. was 3 other people in the ward..old people as always..and with out fail..one nutter..and old woman that spoke to herself all night..and thought she was being held hostage by the Dr..s and her oxygen tube had her tied to the the bed..she also thought aliens were coming from the lights to get her..just a very average room mate for me..
Day 2 in the Hdu..i was feeling good..decided to get out of bed for my visitors and get dressed..got the nurses to help me out of bed and get dressed..taking off and replacing all the wires and tubes took ages just to put my tshirt on..but i like to get dressed feels much better..i ended up sitting all day as the visitors came and went..because i was sitting up all day..my epidural had started to slip down my spin..and instead of my stomach being numb my hips and my legs were..so my scar was hurting and my legs wouldnt work..but go back onto bed..and decided to take tshirt off again..but as this took about 15 mins..i started to feel shit..thought i was gona be sick..but then my heart started beating like 10 times faster than normal..and i fell over..passed out..remember getting thrown around the bed..then waking up flat on my back..i thought i was in a diferent room but i wasnt..just a diferent view looking straight up..i was out cold for 6 minutes and they did lots of wierd shit trying to wake me up..sticking things under my nails..digging their knuckles into my chest..and my head!!!..but none of it worked..so that was a nice new experience and all the nurses had shat it!!.. one good thing was that lying flat helped my epidural work..I had no pain for a whole day.....
Stuff you didnt seenew op part2
The feeling no pain didnt last..my epidural wasnt really working at all no matter how much they increased it..it was never painfull..just uncomfy..was no chance of sleeping..between the beeping machines..not being able to move..and the mental old woman..not sleeping i think is the thing most people take for granted..try it sometime..no drugs or coffee tho..just dont sleep..hit urself alot to make sure you are in pain..put sharp things in your bed to make sure you are uncomfy..leave the radio on a channel you hate..have someone stand in the room talking and making mental noises..see how much fun your having after one night..then do it for 5 nights..10 nights..more...you..ll soon see how fucking depressing it is..its fucking torture!!!!...
All the staff in Hdu were cool..you get looked after all the time and never have to ask for anything which makes it all much easier...the surgeon came round to check all time how i was doing..I had alot of bruising aroundmy right side where i had the op..some swelling and it was very warm..so they were worried i might have an infection..but my temp was ok and my bloods were ok..so we just waited to see...
I was very impressed with all my visitors..definately the best looking visitors in Hdu..even though i was looking hellish,,amazing how quickly you lose weight in hospital..i was going to gym 6 days a weeks for months before this op..and in a week it was all gone!..depressing..thin again!!..
After 5 days in Hdu it was time to go to the ward..fun..so this meant all my tubes and wires coming out..I had my gastro nasal tube thing out allready..that sucks..pulled up through your nose from your stomach!..yuck,,,,but I had a few things left to go..so all at once..they took out my catheter..ouch!..then lines from my arms..then my epidural..then the main line in my neck..its stitched in..and goes bout 5 inches into the vein..feels very weird coming out..but they all came out and i was feeling good..
The feeling good lasted about 10 mins..got wheeled through into the ward..it was like the hottest day of the year..and my bed was at the window..the sun on my bed...i was melting..soon i really started to feel like shit..iwas on some morphine tablets..and i really didnt like them..i couldnt move..felt dizzy..sick..sweating..cold..hot..thoug
ht i was going to die..that lasted all day and all night..prob the worst night i have ever spent..when i woke up that day they tought all this might have been caused by an infection.so I had to go for a Ct scan..wasnt happy..i really didnt want to move i felt fucking awful..they chucked me in a wheelchair and pushed me down to radiology for a scan..they wanted me to drink a litre of this shit tasting liquid..i hadnt eaten or drank for 5 days..there was no fucking way..but this nurse kept trying to bully me into it..i just looked at her like i might kill her if she says it again so she gave up..got the scan anyway..and it was fine..but I decided no more pain killers..got off the morphine..and just binned the other tablets they gave me..i wasnt really in any pain..so it was definately worth it..felt better next day..was getting dressed on my won and started to walk around a bit..
The only thing that was bothering me now was pain in my shoulder..they had my lying funny for op and it made my shoulder very sore and my hand go numb..it was numb for 2 days and still felt funny the whole time..but my shoulder was getting worse and worse,,and now i had another reason not to sleep at night..great...
By the 7th day i felt really good..was taking no pills..and they had no reason to keep me..i could walk around and when the surgeon came around I made it look like i was all better so he would let me go home...was ace..thought I would be in for 14 days and was escaping after 7!!!...got dressed and ran out the door!!!
Stuff you didnt seenew op part 3
So I am home...ahhhh..my own lovely couch to lie on and watch tv...is great..not having any pain..is a little dificult to walk upright with a giant scar on my stomach but im feeling pretty good considering what i just had done to me..was hating the fact i looked so thin..like a heroin addict...but i tried eating as much as I could..and hding away at home..that worked for me..wasnt too impressed with the shark bite style scar..but not alot i could do about that...better than being dead i guess..
Well here was me getting all positive..then that little problem with my shoulder..fucking hell!!!...it got worse and worse..then it got loads worse..Ive had alot of painfull things..but this was fucking torture..and it didnt go away!!..my neck was sore..was arm felt like it was dead,,my hand kept going numb..i tried heat spray..heat patches..heat patches with ibuprofen,,freeze spray..electric pain reliever...none made any diference..massages..nothing!!...was driving me fucking mental..during the day it was anoying..but i could kinda be distracted,,,at nights i was going crazy...no sleep at all..i could sit in one position or lie down...i wasnt suppsed to take pain killers as they aint good for my liver..but i was demented..took 2 tramadol..they are pretty strong..did nothing so i took 4...did nothing..so i just shouted and swore alot..with each day and night of this i went more mental....what I ove is when you tell people they always react in the same way..they laugh!!...ive been awake for 14 days in torturous pain..in going fucking mental...thats pretty funny...fuckers.. I thought last year i was having a hard time after my ops..but this wasway worse..trying to get better from the op..which i was foing really well with..getting home in record time etc..then I get this shit...just the way my luck works..
Had to go and get my neck xrayed...but it showed nothing..so basicaly i just had to put up with it..3 weeks now of pain..discomfort and no sleep..i cant stress just how fucking bad it is when you dont sleep and your in pain..its the worst thing in the world..id rather have another huge scar..its way easier to deal with...then one night..a miracle..out of pure desperation i took some more tramadol..and this I think is the magic bit..washed them down with jaffa cakes..and they worked..i felt no pain..i felt like i was floating it was awesome..i slep all night..and most of the day..from then on the pain got better..and after a week or so it was just alittle niggle..and all the pain and bad times are forgotten like they never happened..scares me that we forget pain so easy..remembering how bad it all was..then it just goes..and your left thinking was it really that bad..was i just being a pussy?..like you need alittle reminder just to prove it was horrible and to convince myself you didnt like it..
Then here we are now..6 or 7 weeks on..been back to gym twice..it hurt..but it will get better..had a scan on Friday..will get results next week..and im actually scred to findout what they say..ive been feeling shit..run down..drained..stomach feels weird..reminds me of last year..im worried my original cancer is back..is weird but you just know when your body isnt right..if I have cancer again..I dont know what i will do..people will say ahhyou can beat it again..if ayone can get through it its you...etc..but i really dont think so..this has been 2 years of absolute fucking hell!!!..i dont like all the sympathy and being fussed over..so i do deal with it all alone..i go to appointments alone..scans alone..treatment alone..i stay at my own house alone..i dont talk about it..and i always pretend that imok even when im not..i got to gym even when it hurts like fuck..i walk around when i feel like shit..i smile and say im allright..ive been lucky...the fact that this 2 years has really fucked up my life really gets me down..but nobody knows that..all the little things that i deal with..i have a hole from my bowel into my bladder frommy last op..constant urine infections..and some pain...nerve damage from the ops and radiotherapy..more pain..the not being able to have kids..i hate that one..not being able to come as before..thats fucking anoying..all the treatment stops your dick working as good as it used to..(it still works though..or id def be more pissed off than i sound now)..i get really skinny..i fucking hate that..i have the physical thing of dealing with the scars..they aint pretty!!..i avoid any kind of relationships because i need to spend alot of time alone looking after myself..getting up trough the night etc..and all the time im waiting on the next bit of bad news..I cant have another liver op..next time im dead..thats not a nice thought..dead by 33??,,fuck that..gets really fucking depressing...i bet everyone out there thinks if they had a year to live they would do lots of cool stuff..parties..holidays..shagging everyone that moves..it doesnt work like that..you wake up each day with the same life and the same oportunitys..no nice holidays and hot chics...
Anyway thats about it for now..just wait and see what comes next...i know I dont write these blogs with as many jokes as before..or any of the cool metaphors..or bits from songs..but im really pissed off being ill now..ive had enough...i want some good luck!!!!!...
