I wrote this at work last night:

One of the reasons I get into trouble at work (or at least am not always on the best of terms with co-workers) is that I only respect the authority of people that I feel have authority over me. You've been there over a year less than I have and are now a "floor manager" - guess what, that doesn't make you my boss! I answer to the actual manager and the owners.

Especially if it's just coming across as a power trip. Sorry, guys, but I do not respect power trips. Or people who were complaining along with me just a few months ago but have since sold their soul (and personality, apparently) for a fifty-cent raise and the illusion of authority. I don't intend to sell my soul, but I'd personally ask for more.

The good bit of it is, it's very difficult to burn bridges when you've never made them in the first place.

Time to freeze my ass off and get no sleep.

So I mentioned buying Brick the other week. I was waiting on watching it until I felt in the mood, which just happened to happen last night. (I was going to pull up my original review, but it turns out I watched it before I started reviewing movies regularly (and actually saw it whilst living at the last house, which I can almost believe). It's funny, because I did like it enough to write a bit about it. Basically, I said I really enjoyed it and was looking forward to getting the DVD so I could watch it with subtitles on.

The more I "change," the more I stay the same. I was afraid that I wasn't going to like it, that it would be one of those movies I watched under the exact right circumstances, that it wasn't as good as I remembered it being.

Still love the movie. Love the movie. I'd say it's one of the best of the decade.

It's a tricky film, too. Just in that it's a noir set in a high school. But it marries the two worlds brilliantly. That's a combination that could have failed very easily and quite miserably. I think that it works so well because everyone involved is taking it very seriously.

Great script. Hilarious and brutal, but wonderful noir dialogue in believable high school code. The situations make sense; they're obviously still kids (love The Pin's mom) playing at being adults, but they're so close to being adults that the game is losing its fun and becoming very serious. The story twists and turns and is full of surprises, but motivated surprises.

It has some of the most beautiful cinematography that I can think of off the top of my head. The shots are beautifully composed, but it's really the lighting that's the killer. Stunning use of natural light. I don't see why Steve Yedlin isn't shooting everything.

So I'm going to have to talk about Joey Gordon-Levitt at some point, so I might as well do it now. I am a fan. Not that I'd ever watch GI Joe, but I'd be curious enough to fast forward to his scenes.

It's not even that I think he's a great actor. I think he's pretty good, but I think he's only going to get better. And I believe that's the key to it.

See, he's the one actor my age (okay, he's got a year on me) that I like. Not only that, but he was also a kid actor. And not an annoying one. Come on, the guy's famous for playing an alien with funny hair. So I think that following his career is for me like following the career of anyone I knew when I was younger who has gone on to bigger and better things. I find it interesting to watch his professional progression, perhaps putting some of my own hopes and dreams on his shoulders.

The only "bad" thing about this situation is that I now have to watch The Brothers Bloom (I'll do it for Brody), as that was the director's follow-up (what with Brick being Rian Johnson's first big film).

So, yeah, I recommend it.

I don't know why things get to me, but they do, in a big way. It doesn't even have to be negative, or even a direct reference to me, but if I get a reference to the way I do things or how I act, it just makes me want to disappear.

So it's no coincidence that I quote "How to Disappear Completely."

Guess what superpower I would prefer to have.

I just want to go through life completely unnoticed, bothering no one and not being bothered myself. So whenever the fact that I can't have it this way it made obvious to me, I do what I can to avoid it happening again in the future. This is why I shut down; this is why I withdraw.

This is why I remain alone, why I long for total anonymity. Maybe even why I don't like having my picture taken.

And whenever the impact is perceived as negative, or whenever the interaction seems to have not gone positively, I really dwell on it. And it makes me never want to risk a repeat. I beat myself up in ways that have no positive reciprocal.

Because I also hate praise and compliments. Maybe it's a selfish thing. I know when I've done a good job and I don't need anyone else telling me, especially since I won't believe it. If I don't already acknowledge the worth of what I'm doing, then someone else pointing it out isn't going to make me feel any better. In fact, it will likely make me feel worse just because I know that someone out there is taking note on what I'm doing.

I wish I could be nothing, which I will be soon enough, I guess. I wish I could float through life, going unnoticed and exploring about as I see fit.

So of course I'm never going to be able to ask for help, even if it's something I dearly need. Not only will I be admitting that I'm not strong enough to do it myself, but I'll also be faced with sharing bits of myself that I'm not comfortable with giving away.

None of this explains why I find keeping an intimate diary online, though.

And I really wanted to work out today. Instead I sat around miserably, thinking about how working out would be the one thing that would make me feel better, worthwhile, but it's been raining all day and I managed to talk myself out of it, knowing all along I was just talking myself into more misery.

There's that other thing that makes me feel good (no, not sex), but I'm trying to find my comfort zone with that, seeing as we haven't quite come to find a middle ground which makes us both comfortable and happy. Anyway, I'd still much rather rely on my self.

Only, as I've writ before, I don't think my self is capable of taking it all on any more. I've tried and failed at that (and here's where it's left me), but...it's like everything in this world just makes me very uncomfortable and all I want to do is change the rules for myself, but that isn't really how it works. I, alas, have to figure out how to live on this planet, just like everything else.

Oh, and since I'd rather leave this off on a more tasteless note, how about this as a visual gag in a movie (maybe as a sign on a college girl's dorm room wall): "I don't piss in your pool, so don't pee on my bush." No good?

Finally got home about twenty minutes ago (after a looooooooooooong 12 1/2 hours), and Sabrina's already passed out. I was just about ready to run every other car off of the road on my way home. Sometimes I wish we just had teleportation, already.

So, yeah, not a happy camper. Worked 85 hours last week and I'm working 75 this week. I just want a goddamn break, but meanwhile my boss is getting angry at me for being upset that I'd ended up staying even later tonight, and he seemed to imply that me getting any time off (for vacations or whatever) was him doing me some huge favor. Yes, I ask for two fucking weeks off when meanwhile I work everything single fucking day of the year (and 66 hours at least every single week), not to mention not asking for or having one single holiday off for the past two years. Wow, huge favor you're doing me granting that.

Yeah, I'm kinda pissy right now. I don't want to rant, I just want to sleep.