I've been busy lately with school and studying. Taking lessons online is great--it keeps me regular (at least sort of) and ensures a consistent Japanese language study intake. I know you're thinking: you live in Japan, why do you need additional intake? Well. I don't know how to make friends. :P And beyond that, even if I were conversing everyday, simple conversation isn't enough to develop a deeper understanding and comprehension of a language. It's definitely 75% of the process [maybe?], but you mustn't neglect the other 25% of rigorous study. Memorizing new words, reading, studying grammar, and practicing listening are all essential aspects of learning a language. One NEEDS to hear/read/write a word over and over until it becomes a natural part of their vocabulary.
For those of you who've studied martial arts or the sorts, it's like punching that goddamn bag a hundred times a day. Sparring is great fun and very educational, but you need to constantly improve your instincts as well--which tends to happen best if you drill.
So, yes. Life is nothing more than an MMORPG, and by that I mean: GRINDING.
Which makes me wonder why MMORPGs are some damn popular....
I have a new job...start on October first (or there abouts...) teaching at an eikaiwa. Pluses: more money, evening schedule, easier work but less sittin' around time. Minuses: I expect little to no Japanese in the workplace. The other teachers will all be foreigners. If I'm lucky the support staff will be Japanese and amiable to using Japanese with me. Whatever.
I'm a bit sad to leave my current job. Not because I particularly like it, but because I kind of want to see how the kids do. Whatever.
I found a great place to take Japanese classes online. If you're interested, go to the Japanese Online Institute. I don't know why the call it an institute. It's kind of absurd. But classes around about $10 (or less if you buy bulk) and pretty small (never more than 7). I've only taken one class so far, but I enjoyed it. I'll start private lessons in October as well. I MUST pass the ikkyu next year, damnit!
Fumiko is doing better. Some of the time. Still a roller coaster, but when she's up, she's so much better it's amazing. It makes the drops a bit more harrowing, but whatever.
I hope they get the medication figured out properly soon.
But maybe she won't need it, as she'll be changing to part time on the 20th. I'm glad, she needs to get away from that job. I want her to quit, but she's resistant. Concerned they won't be able to find a replacement. If she doesn't quit in February, I'll throw a rock through a window and piss on her bosses desk. (I won't really, but maybe I'll tell her I will.)
Aside from her mental health improving, I kind of want a house wife. Is that bad? It's not that I don't want her to work. It's that I want her to be able to enjoy life. And she's slowly withering away with this job.
Oh yah. And it's our two year anniversary today. Woo!
2009/08/25 23:11 so. I feel like i've had a tiny epiphany.
fumiko is now officially clinically depressed. (they said dysautonomia before...)
It's not really a revelation...she's become more and more withdrawn since last October. But only in the last month or two did she start cutting again. Which is putting me in an awkward position. Now, before you come down on me for being insensitive, please understand that she's told me i'm not supposed to ask any questions, as it'll just put more pressure on her and make it worse. so i try not to ask too many questions, and when i do, it's always silence or on-the-verge-of-tears fuck off. so, really, this isn't about her.
i'm gonna be selfish though. this is about me. it's like putting a recovered alcoholic in a liquor store, all alone, for a month. or six months. whatever. it's sapped me emotionally and productively. i abhor everything, except the stupid shit that distracts me, like playing on the internet or video games or stupid tv shows. i feel like a hollow copy of what I was not just six months ago. well, maybe a bit before that...maybe a year ago.
i used to cut and burn myself. it's not something i like to talk about, because, to be honest, i'm really embarrassed by it. it's a part of my life that i have no respect for and find incredibly juvenile. but i also understand that cutting is a physical manifestation of a deeper problem. (my problem being pathetic and clingy. which is why i find it embarrassing.) fumiko's problem is much more real, i fear, and probably won't just "go away". fortunately, she has gone to some doctors. but really, all they've done is give her medicine. she hardly eats any more and has the energy of...well...almost nothing. she's pretty much wasting away, and ... i have no idea what i should do. i mean, obviously, i want to intercede, and i want to help her, but...i don't know how to do that. i'm not a professional, and what might be helpful for me or someone else may push her too far the wrong way. so...i feel trapped and powerless and despondent and...
i get the same feelings that made me want to hurt. but instead of hurting myself, or punching things, i'm trying to deal with the whole thing constructively. i don't WANT to indulge these feelings, i want to find the root of the problem and pull it out.
but i can't fix fumiko. she'll (hopefully) get better over time. or maybe the drugs will help. or maybe she'll live with this for the rest of her life.
still. the point is, living with this everyday, completely isolated from the world around me is...well, it's wearing me down.
I think the most painful part, for me, is that she doesn't want to talk to me. she's out with a friend right now, but when i asked her to talk to me, she got annoyed. basically told me to butt out.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i feel shitty for feeling shitty. i feel lost and powerless.
and on top of all this, my job drives me nuts. it makes me feel like a loser. i'm not cut out for teaching. but there's not really any other jobs for foreigners in japan without a higher japanese level or some other skill set. i'd almost rather be working construction, but i don't think i could get hired without more Japanese knowledge. So, you say, why not just get your goddamn language skills up to par. you are very astute, but the problem with feeling shit and lethargic is that i can't study. being depressed keeps me from studying. so...well, you can see the cycle perpetuating itself.
okay.
i'm gonna play some video games. sleep. and maybe tomorrow i can get on task and make some magic happen within myself, even if i can't help fumiko.
