Bodies ripped covered in shit, napalm blitz the city is lit
Yaz.
20. Single. Essex.
I am Pierced. Tattoo'd. Stretched. Scarred & dyed.
Currently rocking 17 piercings, 4 tattoo's, Orange hair, 16mm and 5mm lobes and a fuck load of scars.
I am a lover of ALL things Punk & Skinhead, with an unhealthy obsession with mohawks. Add my myspazz or facebook, if you wanna know more :] Myspazz: /septumkitty Facebookz: Yasmine Blackman.
"Expect everything, and nothing you will get. Which is at least something, though not very much at all"
LASTLY; I have a tattoo fund, and would really really appreciate any help you could give me at all. I will send anyone who donates to me, a thank you letter.
Embrace the Orange Don't be hatin'
Mod-Tracker
Metal
Another really crappy shot :/: but you get the idea...
Ink
Untitled
Friends.
:D: oh yeah
2010/02/09 00:10 So lonely. & I don't want to sleep as all the shit things are going to be swirling around my mind. I reallllyyy do not want to get up in the morning, I feel like shit. Is it okay if, i just don't wake up 2mw? If I just, don't wake up at all?
I hope...
2010/02/08 19:55
Laura said "Anyone can work at Lidls, but somewhere out there is a job that only Yasmine Blackman can do"
I don't know if thats true. But it was a nice thing to say, and it made me cry.
:')
2010/02/08 19:31
:'(
Suddenly it feels as if all the hard work I put in, has been knocked down, trampled on and broken into tiny pieces.
Suddenly it feels as if, I've achieved nothing, only dug myself further into a pit of despair.
It makes me feel sick inside.
He lives his life fine without me.
In fact, by now, he has probably completely moved on.
But me, I live my life in a chaotic, and often distressing way.
I try to do good things, but I fail at them, and quite simply, I fail at life.
I can imagine him... if he knew. Just shake his head and look down on me.
Think he is better than me.
Believe he is better than me.
I know it.
He wouldn't really give a shit though. Theres not enough hours in the day for me.
Right now I honestly feel like laying down and never getting up.
I just think to myself, I have tried time and time again, and I lose, because I'm the loser. No matter what I do, or how hard I try I fail, I'm destined to fail at everything.
When college ends, I'm stuck.
What do I do then?
No job, no savings... no nothing.
No prospects, no future.
I feel panicky inside just thinking about it.
I'm on my own, and theres no one else to live my life for me...
no one who is going to stand by forever.
Just me.
What if I fail over and over and never succeed at anything at all?
I am twenty and all ready I have wasted so much time.
I've not achieved a single thing.
Most people have jobs, an income, relationships...some have moved out.
Not me. I have none of that.
Just 3 days a week at college.
Everything that was said about me, was right.
I'M the pathetic one.
Now I just think...
well i feel scared.
And hollow inside.
I thought I could do this, I really could.
The thought that I might get this, has been carrying me through these past two weeks.
But thats over now, and I have to face reality. I have to stare it in its cold mean eyes.
I have to face up to the facts. I failed.
I tried, and I failed.
People tell me not to give up, but I havn't given up for 20 years. I've tried.
The thing is, I don't think I will ever be good enough...for anything.
Relationship wise, I would be left behind again, because I'm rubbish.
Work wise, I doubt Id be hired again...because I'm rubbish.
I mean, if i try so hard to be something someone wants...if someone I thought was my soulmate, turned his back on me, after telling me how crap I was...if that can happen...that just must mean I'm no good. And if i can try for a job, and try harder than I've EVER tried, even going as far to remove my piercings, which I NEVER do...and still fail...I must be reallllly crap.
So what do I do?
No ones ever going to love me, if I'm rubbish are they?
Mo told me im the one who needs to grow up, i do three days at college, i have no job and i live in a shithole and frankly, its not good enough... but nothings changed. Despite me trying, nothings changed. So if I wasn't good enough then, I'm not good enough now...
and I probably won't ever be.
No one wants someone who's rubbish.
:(
I can't believe how much it's got to me. Its just raking up everything that was ever said and suddenly.
I feel like
Like I just don't want to go on.
Because all of this has made me realise. Im a terrible waste of space, and nothing good is going to happen, cause I'm incapable of it...
I just don't know what I can do anymore.
So..
I had my interview with Lidls today. It seemed to go well. I had it with the boss guy, Tim.
I got a phonecall. Maybe an hour ago.
I didnt get the job.
:(
I tried so hard...I busted my back at the work trial, was friendly to everyone. I said all the right things...I dressed smartly, in a shirt and dress trousers. I wore hardly any makeup and fuck...I even took my piercings out.
I took my piercings out...the single most important thing I could do.
It goes against every fibre of my very soul to cover myself up and pretend, but I did it, for a fucking job at Lidls... and I still failed.
I tried so hard.
But apparently there was a more suitable candidate.
I feel like the single most pathetic person in the world. I tried SO hard...and yet I still failed. I tried to prove, that I could do good things, that I wasn't pathetic...that I could triumph over tragedy. But instead I just proved Mo right. I cant do anything right. I AM pathetic. I cant triumph...I'm just rubbish.
Stupid rubbish.
Pathetic.
I see my dreams go up in a puff of smoke. Bye Bye Tattoo's, bye bye self esteem, see you later savings.
Sounds dramatic I know, but I wanted this job so bad...this shitty little job. It meant so much. I thought, if i could achieve this, Mo would be wrong...I could prove him wrong... I would be worth SOMETHING after all. I thought..maybe if i could do this one thing, I could do other things too...that I wasn't destined to fail at everything after all but... I was wrong.
When he told me, I stared up at the artexed ceiling for the longest time. All these horrible thoughts swirling in my brain. A tiny voice telling me that simply, I just wasn't good enough. The thought of telling my mum just made me feel sick, I didn't know how to put it. How can you make y ourself not seem so completely pathetic and such a fuck up? I mean she doesn't know how hard I tried...for all she knows I could have been shit at everything I did..but I know, i know I wasn't. I know I put the effort in. I told her, she was shocked. "whaaaat??!" I guess she believed in me...told me to keep trying, that maybe the person who got the job had more experience...but, well. How can I keep trying, when I don't believe in me anymore.
