rach/20/loved CHILDFREE/ GODFREE/ G33K
materialistic,awkward,
extremly self critical
i dont want kids, I'd rather regret not
having kids than regret having them
<3's
= NATHAN, snowflakes and cupcakes, christmas, wrapping presents, cuddles, romance, sunday mornings, autumn/ winter (the cold), hoodies, scarfs, mugs of tea, sleeps, paddling in the sea, harry potter, cold pizza, boys with huge holes in their ears, pratchett, hadouken!, 1984, computers, dairy lea dunkers jumbo tubes, grey, thermals, naps, cider, daschunds (someone buy me one), black eyeliner, belt buckles, people who tell the truth, bronzer, kids movies, butterscotch angel delight, fairy lights
innocent? .
2008/09/15 21:11
so, i'm in Wales. i have a job starting in a month or so at lloyds blackhorse finance in cardiff. We have no money and im on the dole till then. Im about to go home to essex to see my friends and help out on duke of edinburgh again. Im actually happy, i go to sleep and i dont want to never wake up.
Ive started the process of volunteering for Duke of Edinburgh again, just waiting on the CRB check. And i might have a full time job doing it if im lucky, for 17k. Pretty swish.
I reached 15 stone recently, after weighing myself for the first time since i was 10 stone and pretty ill last year.
So im doing something about it at last. I started slimming world 3 weeks ago and have lost around 16 lb. ish.
Im starting driving lessons as soon as im working and im going to pay off my overdraft and be 10/11 stone for next spring. So things are looking up.
Me and the boyfriend want a flat in newport when we have the money, and i'll finally get my pink kitchen. And possibly a doglett and a black 5 door renault clio in time.
Im actually really happy and out of my depressed stage for the first time in years, all thanks to not being at uni anymore, tho i do miss all my uni mates.
Essentially, once ive lost some weight (and with naths help not gone completely anorexic/bulemic again) life will be perfect and i MIGHT just like myself. Fancy that? lol.
How is everyone? Sorry ive been useless, i havent got me own computer anymore and its hard to get online, what with all the signing on im doing! Lol.
2008/05/25 23:23 so im sitting going over law and morality, th emost complex but interesting section of jurisprudence in my opinion.
yet im not focussed as ive been revising for over 12 hours on and off today and its shattering because i seem to have a drive in me that says however much i do in one day isnt good enuf till its all done. i only have tomorrow left to cover three topics, which isnt bad if u ask me, yet im still not at rest.
i cried today for the first time since the funeral. i was making marmalade on toast and its the same type as my nan used. what a silly thing to set you off. but i just started getting worried that because i have had exams and havent really allowed myself to greive yet as ive needed to get through the exams, will she be hurt i havent cried enough.
i know deep down she'll understand, and knows i loved her more than ive ever loved anyone in my life. she was my mum and my best friend and i hate the fact ive been in uni the last three years away from her. i should have called her more, but u dont really remeber to do such things when your coping with an eating disorder and depression and law. i just felt like calling her would upset her. and i assumed shed always be there and that after uni i could visit her all the time again like the pre uni days. and now shes gone and i hate uni from stealing the last three years with her.
i miss her so much. its another reason why uni has taken the last three years of my life and destroyed them, taken them from me and left me bitter and changed and not myself.
tuesday and the end of 16 years of education is less than 48 hours away. and on tuesday i have to stop regretting the past and look to who i want to be. but im realising its going to a very hard thing to do.
first i have to grieve. and settle into a new pattern, find a job, learn to eat normally again.
but eductaion is over and these three sad years and my reason for depression are gone.
im allowed grief. but after tuesday theres no reason for me to ever sit in completely alone again. ill have nathan and a job and ill have the money and the freedom never to have to be away from family or friends.
