having just read a book in about an hour (it was short) that has made me cry i felt like writing on here, the one place i can be completely honest because no one i know will read it

i've been feeling very low recently, i don't know why but i think i have some inklings i think

im not completely sure

i think one of the things is that i miss simon terribly.... pathetic i no that i shud let something liek tht let me get this low. every time i think tht he's not there and theres weeks before i see him i feel broken. i end up waking up in the morning and realising he's not there or i wont see him tht dasy and just feel empty and most the time roll over and just go back to sleep cause theres no point. though atm i have to get up cause i have 'work'

i love spending time with him, i don't think i've ever looked forward to seeing someone this much. i've never missed anyone as much as i miss him.

i no i miss things when i spend weeks with him, i miss jo and such, but tbh, it doesnt come even to a 100th of how much i miss him when hes not here...

i miss his smell and his warmth and the feel of his skin. i miss how his hands feel and how safe i feel with him. i miss his eyes... i love those eyes and his smile, i wud move heaven and earth just for that smile... god i sound so sad i no.

i think though for once i'll write out these feelings thought instead of keeping them in my head

it feels good to word them

you know what else i miss?

i miss just being with him, walking places, talking, watching a film. i miss just being with him and knowing he loves me, and that to him im beautiful.

i miss his heart beat and how perfectly i fit into his chest when he cuddles me

i miss his voice, thats one of the reasons i adore phone calls with him because i love his voice.

im glad he wont read this god knows what he'd think

or maybe i'll let him read it... we'll see

im feeling kind of... i duno... unneeded? i kinda just sit and think at times that if i wasnt here the world wud be perfectly fine without me.

im nothing special

im shit scared about foundation year starting soon... i no i'm not good enough

and then what if no uni ever takes me?

if no one wants me...

and i end up everything i never wanted to be and someone with no future and no more dreams, direction. im scared to grow up, i think tht's one of my biggest fears, i dnt think the very few people i've mentioned that to take me very seriously when i say it "ahh so am i" etc... but im terrified.

want to be treated like an adult terrified to be one see why i think im pathetic yet?

i no i dont think theres anything good about me... and people might think i say it just for attention nd tht... nd yeah i will admit i do liek it when people try and reasure me somtimes... sometimes i hate it but sometimess, no matter how small an amount, it does help i just... i honestly think im worthless and theres nothing good about me simon seems to think there is... and ellie...

i hope there is

i hope i'm not as pointless as i think i am

a waste of space

somtimes i end up thinking how i dont really wanna live past 40... even thats pushing it

sometimes i dnt even wanna make it to 25 i wonder if people actually believe me when ive said that... probubly don't but its true to be honest

then theres times when i'm with simon and i dnt want life to ever end.

why do people never tell you how hard life is? you don't find it out til your older and its too late

well... they do tell you dont they? you just dont believe them and think theyre joking

i no lifes hard...

my mums made that clear to me that it is i guess i think a very vivid memory of mine is my mum screaming at me how she wanted to die... i ran away and cried... it wasnt the last time she said it... i hate it when she says it... i don't no why but it's something that came to mind. i'm kind of just venting st the moment

i picture my death alot

how frigin emo is that? i've done it for years havent told anyone.

maybe i will show this post to simon, he's the only person i'd ever be able to tell that to... i no he wudnt judge me...

i hope he wudnt

i worry i'm to depressing sometimes that if people really knew what my head was like they'd not like me i think thats one of the reasons i dnt liek myself and have no faith in myself

i hope i cheer up soon

i hate being sad, i hate not knowing y im sad. i dont no if these are the full reasons :S

anyway

depressing post overrrr

i think i will show this to simon... he doesnt have to read it but he seems to like to know what im thinking

i do love that boy

xxxxxxxxxx