I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
2009/11/21 11:12 my inspiration is shot today. i'm sitting in my printmaking class wasting time sitting on my thumbs rather than doing anything productive. damn. i'm just not feeling it today. i just want to hang out and listen. i saw a dead squirrel walking to class this morning.. i hate coming across dead things. the lifelessness sticks to your spine like an acid pocket bringing a bad flashback.
2009/11/20 13:51 dang it.. i keep forgetting to finish my top ten for the year. double dang. i'll do it today i guess. it's always so frustrating to do those because all it ever does is remind me that i don't remember what happened to my entire year. oh well, it'll be fun going through my old note books and finding stupid doodles to put in it. totally should have thought of a cover though. so, mountain goats the other night was lovely. i'm not as fond of him with a full, backing band but you can never get everything you want. i never realized so many people were such a fan of no children. it is one of my favorites though. i recorded some of it and then my camera died. oooo, and the record store scored me vip tickets, which is cool. i can't seem to figure out what to do with myself today. i should probably go to my printmaking lab.. i should buy paper and mat board.... and i have 3 paintings i want to do (i was going to start them last night but adrian and i decided to drink and talk about the woes of our lives instead.... which ended real well..). daniel johnston is playing at the store and i'm not sure if it will be worth putting up with. i don't care what anyone says, that guy is fuckin crazy. i can only imagine how his fans will be, especially at a free show. my cat has been hanging out with me all morning, putting up with my bullshit. he's the best, hands down. hmm.. i'm gonna make me some bomb ass breakfast, and really begin my day. wish me luck!
2009/11/20 04:10 fuckity fuckity fuckity fuck fuck. fuck. i... honestly don't even know what else to write right now. i am so frustrated with my roommate, adrian, that i can't even focus completely. i love him, no doubt, he's been a good friend of mine for... gosh.. minimum of 5 years, but geeze, he can be such a piece of shit. i hate that some of my friends are such assholes. ok..... i'm not complaining... i swear.. really. but what they fuck am i suppose to do? i refuse to take responsibility for any one but myself, and fuck you if you intend on being my friend and don't think i will hold you to the same standard. it's not even that i have to do his dishes. it's not that he doesn't do anything but sit at home and play video games and smoke pot that i drove 50 miles to get him without a fuckin thank you. it's not even that he refuses to clean up any of his mess that he leaves behind, or that he just vomited in the bathroom and refuses to clean it with any sort of fucking cleaner.... ok, you know what... it's all of these things... and that he has the nerve to pretend that since he hasn't found his "one thing" that he can love and create his life around, that some how that enables him to continue to do nothing without sincerely questioning it. you know what, actually i take it all back... it's really the last one that bothers me. don't fucking make shitty excuses to me and think i won't try to call you out and give you my honest opinion about it. feed yourself all the bullshit you want, but if you want a mother fucking pity party about how you're so sad because you "don't know what to do with the rest of your life" then hang out with some teddy bears. i am not a tool to make you feel better about yourself and they fact that you do nothing with your life. you are fully capable of doing anything you want, so be a man and take responsibility for it. and all of those little things on top of that, including bull shit i haven't mentioned.. are just mother fuckin icing. icing of a piece of shit pretending to be a cake. and yes... i'll fucking clean your puke in the morning so i don't have to sit on it. and yes, we're not going to talk about our "deep" conversation, so you can go back to feeling sorry for yourself, guilt free. and yes, we're still going to be good friends, even though i hate that you're such a selfish asshole... but i recognize you for who you are.. and even if it's not usually a good thing, it causes you to have positive attributes, and it has helped me to grow a thicker skin and to grow as a person which i do appreciate. most of the time, friends just shouldn't live together. and even though i'm looking forward to you moving out, i'll miss your jerk ass, and i'll still love ya-i guess. gah! ok, no more rant. promise. it's too exhausting. seriously, sometimes, i wish i could just yell "fuck this shit, i quit" but i guess, instead.... i'm gonna try to sleep.
2009/11/18 10:58 i skipped my anatomy and physiology class this morning.... but, i had an awesome dream about how a government experiment created a zombie disease that spread like wild fire. there was a little old man, who looked like mr. miyagi, who was one of the only people who really knew what was up and kept trying to keep large groups of humans together to try to survive. he mentioned something about how staying in larger groups was one of the only things that had kept him alive because he always had the best exit strategy and that only the stupid stand and think they can fight. he would also build tiered obstacles to prevent or just slow down the zombies from getting to you as well as make it easier to kill them (they usually created a funneling effect that would minimize the amount you had to deal with at any given time or would be something that would have to be climbed). sadly, since he was collecting survivors he was easy to locate so eventually a large army of zombies was sent to get rid of him. however, since the zombie strain was originally created to try to make the ultimate warrior, it (of course) reacted strangely on one subject which caused his skin to be impenetrable, was still able to maintain his wits about him, and he would occasionally turn into an over sized ape and wreak shit. he (of course) eventually escapes the clutches of the evil government and takes it upon himself to destroy them. i fucking love dreaming it's weird how often i dream about zombies nowadays, though. i use to compulsively dream about vampires since the age of 5 or 6. i kind of miss having those dreams. they were always crazy bloody... damn.. i really need a shower.
